i just wish you never said it.

Hope you lot had a great christmas. I sure did. Lots of great gifts and moments with my family that I will treasure. As for Robb, not so much. I'm pretty sure he has been seeing his ex behind my back. I don't know what they are doing, but I have been really upset from it all. I do feel betrayed that he is just constantly lying and saying sometimes they just hangout. Maybe they do? But I am not a stupid person, and there is obviously something wrong.

 I want to just end this whole thing, but I can't seem to bring myself too. I feel so connected to this relationship due to the fact that it's my first (unexpected) relationship with a guy since I've come to terms with my sexuality. I don't want my first swing to be a miss. But obviously this is hurting me, especially cause Robb said "I love you" to me the other night and I couldn't believe it. I didn't know whether to believe it or not, and felt angry that I couldn't just be in a normal relationship that felt like it was stable and not full of lies. We started off good, but the last couple weeks... Things have definitely slipped away.

I'm staying at his house tomorrow, and big things could be happening. In fact I am just showing up, unannounced, I told him I was coming over one of these days but I didn't say when.

I wish he never said it.

cancer + supposed cheater.

So today I discovered my nana has cancer. Brain cancer. She had lung cancer earlier this year, and by summer she was in remission, but it's come back, and this time it's bad. She either has 2 months or a year to live. What the shit is that? Those odds are fucking awful. I hate thinking that she has an expiry date on her now. I told Robb and he consoled me, but it didn't feel legitimate. I am beginning to feel like us dating was a bad thing because I feel real hurt right now, and he is at a friends party.

 I'm going to try not to think of my nana right now, it just hurts to think about. We will talk about Robb. After our fight about him going out to dinner with his ex and not telling me, we tried to go on thinking it was normal again. I think we tried to cover it all up by having a lot of sex. The sex felt good at the time, but when it was over it felt like a one night stand, like it meant nothing. I used to love sucking his dick, but now it's become so tedious, the other night he got upset with me because I wouldn't swallow his load, he said that he thought we were cool, I just told him that he could just shoot it on my face then. His best friend, Meg, and I hung out last night, I have grown close to her and I asked her if she thinks that Robb would cheat on me. She said she doesn't know. I'm being honest here I am thinking he is. Because he is still acting all suspicious, and not returning calls. I don't understand why he would want to hurt me, I'd rather know the truth.

 Well I just got a text saying I am going to the gay club tonight :| My friend found a fake i.d. so I guess I am going with him. I need to get drunk and get my mind off things. Bye.

cause you're stutterin aka the big fight.

 We had our first fight the other night, and it was pretty big. We had made plans to go to Toronto to view this art exhibit, but last minute he cancelled on me with a lame excuse, "I just have so much homework, last minute project I have to do." I know when he is lying and I was really looking forward to going out. I sat around for awhile doing homework, and thought if I should bother calling him because I KNEW he wasn't telling me the truth.

 I realized a little bit later I had a reason to call him, I needed to tell him to bring my sweater to school the next day, so I dialled and he picked up. All I heard in the background was people talking and I knew right then and there that he wasn't at home. He doesn't have caller i.d so this worked to my advantage. He said Hi, and I was just like, "Homework my ass." Then I hung up. He texted me right after saying, "WTF?"

I didn't respond back.

 He came to my house at like 12:00 am and I drove me back to his place. I pretty much told him I knew he lied to me what he did tonight, and I wanted to know what he did that was so secretive that he had to lie. He didn't really give out an answer, it was almost like he was trying to prep me for something bad. I just told him to be honest, and if he wasn't then we wouldn't be able to date. Thats when he told me he went out to dinner with his ex. Why? Because he said that he broke up with his boyfriend and needed someone to talk to. Lamest thing in my book. I was pretty upset, and started getting really rude and told him that he was a fucking prick for keeping something like that hidden. Seriously! That is so shady, I also told him that I had absolute no trust for him now. I don't. He managed to lose it all in a couple of hours.  All he kept saying was sorry, and that this only happened once.

I wouldn't be as upset if he hadn't lied to me, in fact I would say go for it, but he did and because he just sat there stuttering his way through a series of lies it made it all worse. Now I'm just worried that he won't be honest with me. We are "fine" now, but I feel a little awkward with him.

attacked by a gay guy.

Tonight I was berated by a fellow homo. But he's extremely out, and I am not. It basically all started when I posted a picture of this image regarding the stupidity of changing your facebook profile pic of a cartoon too stop child abuse. I felt that it was insensitive to do, because that will not raise awareness, it just gives people an excuse to relive there childhood shows. So he comments on it saying that what I posted was "disrespectful" I just said back to him that I was sorry that he felt that way, but its only a graphic image stating the obvious. He kept going on and on, so I finally stopped him and told him that I didn't make the image, and told him to not crucify me. He then told me to get a life, which I replied back with a "Why are you starting shit on my photo? You work with me, thats it, I don't talk to you.

 In the end, he looked like a major asshole, and plain dumb. He tried to back up his arguments but it didn't work at all. He even called me a fag, a term that could be used on him well. But my friend shot him down when she said that its unfortunate that he chooses to use that word as a gay man himself.

Basically in the end, I find it pretty fucked up how as a gay community our hearts break for those teenagers, but yet.... we have those same bullies  WHO ARE GAY. That is so wrong! Time to start putting things in perspective.

until you love you.

So I started writing a journal today, I have had it sitting on my desk for awhile but didn't know if I wanted to make a journal out of it. I caved, writing down deep personal thoughts is.... strange. I have had tons of journals in the past, but this one feels like my official first journal. My past journals are so, censored. I never talked about being gay, sex, drugs, anything like that. I just wrote down memories, when I could of got stuff of my mind and not kept it bottled up. It's just weird thinking about the fact that I couldn't even admit to being gay in my own journal, something that nobody was ever going to read but me. I couldn't even be honest with myself.

 It's sad. I was that hollow inside. I used my journals to talk about stuff I did, but nothing that was bothering me deep down. That's different now because I use this blog so hopefully people read it and find joy in reading my adventures and troubles, or relate to me. Also this new journal started off the bat, "I'm gay, I think I'm dying, and I wanna watch porn."

No more being ashamed of myself. I can't love somebody else, like Robb if I can't love myself. But he has made me feel good about being who I am. Be proud!

out of the blue.

So today I met my boyfriends ex boyfriend. It just so happens that he goes to the same school as me, and works at my favourite store, H+M. This week has been really awkward when it comes to people for me. First off, his ex, walks up to me while he's working and asks my name. I told him, and he basically introduced himself to me. I was thinking to myself, why are you telling me who you are? Just thought it was weird, but basically he talked to me about living here, how school is, stuff like that, as if he knew me.

 It was all very strange, I didn't know what he was getting at. He was very charming, but I'm just confused how he knows me... and yet I had no clue who he was. Does this mean that, Robb (aka Mr.Gorgeous real name) still talk to his ex, and if it's about anything, why me? I know he dated guys in the past, but from what this guy told me, it seemed like they dated for a long time.

I'm a little paranoid right now.

so incredibly awkward.

So last night, Mr. Gorgeous (I hate that name now) and I went for a drive. On that drive we discovered we wanted to just park somewhere and talk. So we did. We parked in this parking lot behind this abandoned old hockey arena. We talked about boys, what's up in our lives, all that wonderful stuff. Then of course, because it seems like we can't never do this, we started making out. Well one thing led to another and I started giving him a blowjob. Penis's are weird. Don't you find them strange? I do. So I was doing that when we heard a tap at the window. YA I KNOW.

It was a police officer... there I was mouth on dick looking up at him. I quickly shot up and started howling. I thought it was so funny, and the police officer was super embarrassed, he just told us not too stick around here for long then ran back to his car. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN. HAHAHA. I feel embarrassed,  but like I'll probably never see that officer again.

Oh my god. My life right now I'm telling ya...

happiness.

Things have been going great! I am happy I have a boyfriend? So strange to say that. But I have one! Yes. These past 3 months have been crazy with him, but worth it now. School has like physically assaulted me with homework, it's shit. I have a project I need to start tomorrow due Wednesday. Ugh.

But Christmas is coming soon! & I am so happy because that means x-mas break! Yus! I have been talking to my boyfriend and we are thinking of going up to his cottage for a couple days this week and in December. I am excited.

:D

give it all up, not to be sleeping alone.

Been awhile since I have last posted, but some stuff has happened. First off I think were dating now. Second off, I don't know because I have to say "think." Anyways we have hung out for this entire past week and this week. We've gotten to know each other a lot, and he says that he wants to keep it this way. We haven't talked about what we are, but we seem official, in fact I am going to ask him after this. He called me his boyfriend but does that mean anything?

 This man is a mystery, and for being my first real love it's been hard. Too hard. It's killing me.


UPDATE: HE SAID SO. HE SAID WE WERE!!!!! AH! I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!! LMFAO.

sex. round 2.

It's official. I really like this guy. Really like as in love. Too soon? Not quite, It has been like 2 months now kind of of getting in the groove with this guy. We hung out, EVERYDAY this week. In my last post, I said he was making me dinner, and he did. It was romantic. On Thursday he drove me to school, and we ate lunch, afterwards we went to his house and made out some more. Friday we went out for dinner, that too was romantic, and then we made out. It was super hard because I KNOWWWW he wanted to fuck me so badly, but we made out and I think he thought I was gonna give it up, when I told him goodnight. Ha Ha. Sorry daddy but I'm not that easy.

 It's like the past few weeks never happened, he is so sweet now and caring. He may have said he didn't want to be in a relationship, but I think he is changing his views on that. Last night was amazing though. He brought me back to his place and thats when we had sex. I was really horny, so I felt like being slutty. He did moves on me that I have never really seen before and man, they were hot. I got to say, the sex is super hot. He was really going in hard. We were super loud. But let me make it clear, it was very romantic*

 Judging from the sex, I think something is there...

hummingbird heartbeat.

 That guy I was talking to? FUCKING WEIRD. He kept texting me, and I was getting so friggin annoyed. He was talking like this:

"Hey cutie :) did you have a good sleep *hugz* I really want to cuddle with you :D I got a new video game we should play it sometime, Anyways got to go bye *kisses*"

........................UH. I hateee when people put things in *stars* to emphasize something. Biggest peeve ever, or use lots of smiley faces. Anyways, I stopped texting him cause I thought he might get the hint. WRONG. He texted me at 9:30am till 12am. The whole day at school he was like having a conversation to thin air! + He kept sending me pics of his ass, and saying creepy stuff. OVER IT.

The only highlight of this week was finishing homework, and finally talking to Mr. Gorgeous. He came and talked to me, checked if I was okay, I said yeah and then he wanted to know if I would hang with him that night. I kind of looked at him oddly and said "I don't knoww." I still felt hurt, and I felt like I was being treated like a yo-yo, but I obliged. We went straight to his house after school, and it was almost like nothing had happened a week before. It felt right. We just talked, and talked. Had a few laughs, then made out. He told me later as we were driving home that he want's to hangout tomorrow as well, I said for sure, so that's whats happening today! Or in an hour. I excited, I get butterflies when I hang with him because I definitely like him! 

 I think he's making dinner too? Score.

devils night.

Halloween was fun. I guess. Well I went to 2 parties this weekend, and the party I thought was going to suck was way better then the one I had high expectations for. On Friday I went to my friends house by my school, and we got super drunk and then really, really high. My friend made a major joint, a huge one, then 2 small ones. My friend and I were howling at everything, I felt so amateur at getting high, but I'm not. It was just really good weed. We were fascinated with Kanye West's new music video, and Eva Longoria's EMA rap, and these lights that look like tits. Awkward. But we howled so much.

 I didn't know many people at that party though, because it was all friends from my friends program at school. But I think I made some new friends. My costume was like a cracked out Sue Sylvester, I don't even know what it was. It looked 80's. As for yesterday, it started bad. First off the party started at 9, we decided to leave then and it took us 2 hours to get there. When it should've taken at least 40 minutes! We got lost, and we were all wanting to cut each others heads off. We finally got there and the party was divided by the older kids and younger ones. We sat on the kitchen floor and played drinking games and talked. The older kids watched fucking sponge bob. Like what? It was boring, and then it got worse. I lost my iPhone and couldn't find it ANYWHERE! I tried to just forget about it, and we all went to this plaza looking for pizza. Instead we started smashing pumpkins. I felt like a hoodlum. I always hated those kids who did that. But whatever! They were the grocery store pumpkins, they were gonna get thrown out anyways!

My Adam Lambert costume was a success, I actually looked like him. But I have been told countless times before that I look exactly like him, so I really wanted to go all out and see if I did. SUCCESS. The next day we found my phone, under the oven. WTF.

I swear a demon put it there.

happy halloween!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

move over.

I have been talking to this new guy through text for the past 4 hours. He's really nice and sweet. He lives a little far, but we could make it work. I feel like this guy wouldn't play me like Mr. Gorgeous. + he's funny, he said he would love to see me in skinny jeans and a slayer shirt. Ha ha.

The age thing is kind of a cock block though. Like I said I'm not against it! But it could get weird...

here we go again.

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it was enchanting to meet him.

So I went out with Mr.Gorgeous again. After he texted me apologizing, I just told him to let me be, I'm not new to seeing guys, and that I don't want my first time to be a game. He understood, and asked if we could go talk in person, for coffee and such. I said no. I didn't want to get my hopes up again! This guy seems to have a tendency to give love and snatch it back. I don't want that. Who does?

After I said no he called me, and I didn't answer, and he kept calling till I did. I kind of flipped on him, and he just said he will come pick me up. I gave it thought, I wanted to hear why he didn't call, and then just end it. Maybe be friends? Well he picked me up and we went to a Tim Hortons and chilled. It was awkward at first for obvious reasons, but he told me straight up that the reason why he ignored me was because he has feelings for me and isn't looking for a relationship. I told him that was retarded and stupid. If he felt something for me why not make it into something? Why waste those feelings?!

 I asked him if could drive me home, I was upset. He did, and halfway he pulled over and reached over and kissed me. Really, really hard. It hurt. But it felt so good. I started crying because I was really hurt that he was just going to leave me hanging. The conversation obviously showed me that I had feelings for him. I pushed him away and then he kept driving. When we got to my house he said he was sorry, kissed me, and I left. I haven't talked to him since yesterday. I cried a lot last night. It all sounds like a soap opera and I hate that it has to be that way.

 We will see what comes of this, because I really fell for him.

for everybody, everyone.

The album I have been jamming to for the past day. So many songs that deal with the situation I am going through right now. I recommend you listen to this fun pop album!

loss of words.

It is finally reading week, thank the lord. Because last minute all my teachers decided to rape me with homework, and now all the plans I've had have to be cancelled or rescheduled. Bullshit. I stayed up till 4 last night trying to finish one of my projects. I woke up today at 4. It sucks.

BUT, the reason why I am writing a blog post is because "Mr. Gorgeous" texted me today, (about an hour ago) and apologized to me! I haven't texted back, but he sent another one like 15 minutes ago saying once again he was sorry and that he understands if I don't want to talk to him.

WHAT DO I DO?! What should I say?! Sound off on comments, I legit don't know to say...

smirking prick.

Today has sucked. It has sucked HARDCORE. First of all I was hungover and had a bad sleep, I just didn't want to go to class. Last night drinks though were awesome! So I mustered up enough energy to go to class and wore my purple, I hope you did, and took my ass to school. The second suck of the day....CLASS. So boring, I had to listen to a guest speaker, and it was bullshit. After class was done I peaced to the cafeteria to grab something to eat.  I got my food was heading to the foyer when I saw him. I don't even want to call him by his name anymore, "Mr. Gorgeous" it should be more like, "Mr. Gorgeous on the outside but deep down I'm a real asshole and will ditch you after I get one thing from you." I like that better.

ANYWAYS I was going to sit down in the foyer and eat, when I saw him sitting there with this other guy, that I think is in his program, and they were sitting there playing with each others hands... Am I making this dramatic?! I don't think so, because as I was coming down the stairs he saw me and gave me a smug little smirk, then went back to diddling that guys hand. It was flirting if I have ever seen a form of flirting.... Let that slide. So there you have it! The prick fooled me, which I can't believe I didn't pick up on. I thought he was genuine and not one of those guys that the gay world tells you to watch out for!

I think I wouldn't have cared if he hadn't smirked at me, it was the kind of smirk that you do when you know you're doing something wrong, but love it. THE NERVE!

drool.

Leo Giamani is the hottest/cutest porn star out there. Hands down. 

reality bites.

So last night I had a dream that I was at this huge field, and there was a gigantic big screen playing some dumb ass movie. There was a ton of people there and I was with my friends, I guess I was looking around when I saw this guy I know, who is super cute, don't know him personally, cause he lives in Ohio, but I really wish I did. I just remember thinking the dream was so real and I got SUPER happy to see him and I got up to walk to this place and kind of gave him this look and he soon followed. After I did this Ke$ha's song, Take It Off, started playing and thats when I realized, IT WAS A DREAM.

 I woke up so mad. Partially because I know I will probably never meet this guy, but we both have so much in common, and he is totally my type. Reality sucks.

ps. Still haven't heard anything from Mr. Gorgeous. This love has lost pulse.

you know we're superstars, we are who we are!

Hot & dangerous

if your one of us then roll with us

cause we make the hipsters fall in love

when we got our hot pants on and up!

I officially love this song.

be mine!

So I haven't heard much from Mr. Gorgeous this week. Or even after we had sex. So I'm thinking I was a one time hook up. I'm not upset about it because it's so blatantly obvious that was where our little conversations were leading too, but I could've sworn it was different.

 I'm not emotionally attached to the guy whatsoever, I just like the idea of seeing someone, doesn't have to be him. This is common right? Anyways I just thought because we had talked SO much before we had sex, that it was leading somewhere. How do you get to know someone and enjoy their company, and not care if you don't call em. I feel like if he wanted to just have sex with me he would have jumped to it, and not done all sorts of stuff before we did it. Ya know what I'm saying?

OH WELL. Guess I shall just move on.

my story of gay bullying + suicide.

I have read a lot of articles about the recent suicides of teenagers all over the world. Too be honest, I am in quite a lot of shock to see that it's just properly being addressed by the public now. This has been going on for decades, and it takes over 5+ suicides to finally start realizing that our schools aren't safe? It makes me sick, mostly due to the fact that I can relate to every single one of those kids who ended their lives.

 I technically live in a town of 50,000 people up in Canada, but you could argue I live in a city of 500,000 people. The town I'm from has gay people, but mostly teenagers in high school. It is more common to see gay kids now then it was before. I graduated from elementary school in 2006, doesn't seem like a long time ago, but a lot of things have changed in this town since then. In 2006, and in an elementary school it was unheard of to know a gay kid. Nobody was out. Hell nobody was sure if they were gay! But so help you god if you were a boy and had the characteristics of a girl. A lisp, girl posture, your interests, all that stuff. I happened to have a high voice because I hadn't gone through puberty, but I was not the kind of boy who you could look at and say, "He's super gay" It was just my voice and the music I listened to that got me in shit.

 Throughout my time in elementary school I got called girly, or gay because I hung out with girls. I wasn't one of the boys because some of them never gave me a chance to get to know me. I could manage with the name calling, but by grade 7 I couldn't do it anymore. 3 boys made my year a living hell, I kept to myself, I wasn't loud or in your face, I was a shy boy who floated to different social crowds. Yet they managed to find me and tell me every week how much of a faggot I was, how they were going to kick my ass, and how I should just die. I couldn't understand why I was being treated this way, and I couldn't turn to anybody because I thought they would be suspicious that I might be gay. It didn't help that a lot of my friends also made rude gestures towards the thought of anything gay related.  It is hard to describe that time, but all I can say is that it just felt like EVERYBODY hated gay people, and if I came out I would be alone. I didn't want to be more alone then I already was.

 After these guys started calling me homophobic names, it caught on with everybody around, and the first thing to call me if I ever got in a fight with somebody, or upset them, was a faggot. It was the go to word for my bully's, it upset me beyond belief. If I was trying to reason with someone and they brought that word out, I would shut down and just let them win. It made me feel like I wasn't human, like I had no importance in this world and that I didn't matter. I was only 12 at the time, and it just brought my world crashing down, but I acted like it didn't bother me. Meanwhile I was going home and making a list of people I wanted dead, and at the bottom of the list I put my name. I wanted my bully's to just die, and if they weren't going to, I was just going to kill myself. That thought didn't seem ridiculous, or crazy, it felt almost too normal and comforting to know that suicide was an option, and one that I liked. I hated myself enough to just want to die, and that was it. The bullying further continued, they would follow me home and insult me the whole way, I had to avoid classrooms, hallways and parts of the playground to avoid being humiliated in front of my friends and classmates. Everyday was a routine, but nobody knew how I felt. I put on a great facade, still had a great time with friends, but never let my true feelings show. To them I was happy. But it was at this point I turned to cutting, I started using razors to prick myself, then I started sliding them against my wrists just waiting for my mind to give me a reason to stab myself. I couldn't just end my life, but I could continue cutting because it felt good. I was just waiting for the bully's to do one final thing before I went home and killed myself. But it never happened, before I knew, it was June and the bully's were graduating. All I can say was it was the biggest weight ever lifted off my shoulders, I felt safe. After this though my life didn't go back to the way it was before, I still got made fun of by my peers, but I was now in grade 8, and felt like I ruled. Words still hurt me, but I had to force myself to get thick skin, there was times I wanted to just go back to ending my life, but I looked at my role models, and I felt important, I meant something to someone.

 Now I am 18 and I am glad I didn't choose to end my life. I may still get made fun of, and because of my bullying in the past I still haven't fully came out of the closet to friends + family, but know what's an accomplishment? Me even thinking coming of of the closet! I used to tell myself I would never, and I would just fake straight for the rest of my life, but here I am already telling my 2 best friends, and not hiding that I follow gay blogs, or listen to gay artists, or support gay rights. It is obvious I am, and I put it out there. People know, and I don't care! It's nothing to some people, but for me it's everything. It means I am happy, and that I realized IT DOES GET BETTER. I feel for these victims when I hear that they couldn't turn to anybody, because you can't. Gay bullying is completely different from normal bullying, because being gay is still looked at as being unacceptable, and you feel that everybody hates fags; you can't turn to anyone. I never turned to teachers because they never cared when homophobic words were said. You don't tell your parents because you don't want them to see that their kid is weak. There are questions for everything when it comes to severe bullying, like why you didn't do this, or that. But there is no answer. You feel alone, and you do what you do.

It's about damn time that gay bullying is finally brought to the forefront and people now know it happens. It's awful though to think about the precious lives that had to be lost for the world to finally open their eyes. I am so happy about the It Gets Better campaign. I stand beside it and I hope through the help of celebrities videos, and awareness that kids will know, it does get better.

Take it from me, there is someone out there like you who you can talk to.

xo

losing my virginity. hate that saying.

I'm just going to say it. I HAD SEX. Ew. Embarrassing, but i've never done it before and I still can't believe it happened, and that I was dumb enough to just give it up like that, but virginity is so taboo and who was I kidding?!

 So I said last post Mr. Gorgeous asked me to hang out, and I decided to because I finished this essay paper early (which nearly killed me BTW) and I was sitting around doing jack. So I called him up and asked if he wanted to do anything, he said he was glad I called. Ya whatever. So I didn't know what to do, but thankfully he offered to hang out at his place cause his roommate was gone for the weekend. I got on the bus and travelled across the city to get to his place, it took awhile and didn't know if it was worth it but I took a chance. When I got there it was like 9:00pm and I didn't want to go on a bus ever again, I found his place and knocked on his door, he answered the door and told me to come in, his place was nice. Not like super modern nice, but super hipster nice. I'll cut out the small talk but we went to the living room and just chilled and talked, and talked. I really thought it was going to be awkward, but it kinda wasn't? I felt comfortable around him so it wasn't really weird. After awhile we tried to decide on watching a movie, but it turned into a debate. We couldn't settle on one until he brought out Milk. Best movie ever. But super gay. I laughed and said sure.

Blah, Blah, Blah, we watched the movie, loved it as usual, when suddenly halfway through he randomly asks me if I have ever had a boyfriend. I said no. Then he asked if I had ever been with any boy. I said no again. He said that was cute. Then we kind of both went in at the same time and kissed. It wasn't long, just a nice kiss. Then we stopped and just sat there watching the movie, thats when we kinda just looked at each other and started going at it again. This time it was more of a serious make out. We were lying on top of each other and this was going on for a good 10 minutes. I guess you can say we were dry humping as well, cause it was all over the place. I got super hard, but I guess he felt it against his leg because he started stroking it underneath my jeans. This led to me taking his shirt off and him doing the same to me, he eventually took off his pants, and man. He had an extraordinary body, nice muscles, hairy, a teenage dream! I couldn't believe I was about to have sex, after countless amounts of porn, and wanting it, I WAS GETTING IT. So he sat down on the couch and I took off his underwear and started giving him head. Sucking a dick is weird. I don't know if I liked it or not. It probably feels better for the person getting it though! Ha Ha. Sucking his dick went on for awhile and then he asked if I was a bottom. I don't know, I was going to say I am though because I always thought I would be. Then he asked if I wanted to do anal. So I said sure.

Thats a story for another time though...
Ha ha.

mr.gorgeous strikes back.

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close to sex.

I should've bit my tongue. Maybe I had good karma? Maybe after all my whining about not seeing gay boys someone finally answered my prayers! I don't know but today I had my first sexual experience with a guy. And boy. Was it a beautiful introduction.

It happened at school. Of ALL PLACES, IT HAPPENED AT SCHOOL. I have 2 classes in the performing arts wing and performing arts = tons of guys. Gay guys. So I got really bored in class and decided to peace to the bathroom, I took the elevator instead of the stairs for the first time and I am pretty happy with my decision. I walked in the elevator and there was this super hot guy standing in there. He was tall, defined build, plaid shirt, stubble beard, HOT. He asked me what floor I was I wanted to go on and so I told him. After an awkward floor down he asked me what program I was in. I told him Media Arts, and so I told him about it. It went all relatively quick and I was about to get off on my floor when he asked me for my phone number! What the hell?! No guy has ever. Ever. Asked me for my number. So I gave it too him. We then went separate ways.

My confidence was pretty high, I feel so average, and for him to ask me for my number was a great feeling. It meant I wasn't vomatrocious. While washing my hands, who walks in the bathroom? You betcha. Him. I smiled, he said it was a nice surprise. Then he asked me if anyone was in the bathroom, confused, I said no. Next thing you know he leans in for one. Whoa. What. I backed away and asked him what the hell he was doing. He kind of stared at me oddly, I was not going to ruin it so I just kissed him back. Then he grabs my hand and takes me to the bathroom stall, the big one, where he pushes me against the wall and asks me if I will give him a hand job. It was in a public washroom! Dirty! But I put my hand down his pants and started to rub. It was big. Not big, big, but nice. We kept kissing and I went in to give him head....when I bolted. Basically told him I wasn't down for bathroom sex. That is nasty. He understood and told me to call him...

Do I feel great? Yes. Do I regret it? Yes. Wait why? Cause I wish I finished what I started ;)
I think I love college now...

can't always get what you want.

I am sitting here wanting to just cry. Guess you can say that I am very homesick. The first week of living here has been fine, nothing has been going on though. It is like I am in a rut. Everyday is the same. Go to school, come home, sit on computer, avoid roommates. Thats it! I don't have a problem with my roommates but the one girl just is such a cling on. She will never leave you alone and all she does is get drunk and high. It is getting annoying. Something ain't right with her.

 As for school, I like it, but the real world is coming way too quickly. I am not ready. Is anyone? I just can't believe I am homesick. I didn't think I would be. Also another thing that bums me out is that there are hardly any gay people in my school. Well in my program at least. Talk about annoying.

Somethings never turn out the way you want them too.

get outta my way!

I love Kylie! Her new album has been the soundtrack to my summer and I would go as far to say that this song is one of the best pop songs ever made. The chorus! Her! The video! Everything! This song is my life!

new beginnings.

So I moved all my boxes into my new house. I brought more stuff then I thought I would. Way more. I am glad that is out of the way but tomorrow I am going there and setting up my room. I am really excited about that. It is going to be unique. I got my Lady GaGa poster, Hole poster, Breakfast Club poster, and some Andy Warhol pictures to hang up. I'll make it work!

 I met some of my roommates as well. There is 2 guys, and 2 girls. One of them is my best friend. The new girl has pink hair, really talkative, performing arts student and totally rad. I am going to like her. The guy is going to school for illustration, kinda cute, down to earth, seems cool. That is judging them by first impression though! Hopefully they don't turn into major douche bags. We will see!

Anyways. School starts Tuesday. I am kind of nervous. But not at the same time. I hope I find my classes easily. The school is like a friggin maze! So confusing! Knowing me I will get lost. I'm such a goof. Hope you all had a great summer! I know I did, it went fast though. Too fast.

million miles.

My life is in boxes. Or important parts of me. I am getting ready to move for this saturday to a city I am not really familiar with, but luckily I am not going in alone. Today I helped my sister move into her house in Toronto. Man I am jealous of her and my friend who are moving into that house. It is so cute and artsy. My friend is a great artist and her paintings in the house make it look super original. It was a long day, and my arms felt like jello by noon, but it was worth it. I am glad I got to help them put together there first home! It made me think if I am going to miss home, or my sister and best friend all the time. They aren't far, but I won't get to see them everyday and I don't know how it is going to work. I will have to adjust.

Change is good. That is what everyone says right? Change is good...

it hurts too look at him.

This man is absolutely gorgeous. I love every second he is on True Blood and especially when he takes his shirt off. The things I would do..

future boy.

So I was in a big play 3 months ago. A big production. Let's just say the school I went to was like the school from the movie, Fame. I am a theatre kid. Love to sing, act, dance. When all the other boys were doing rugby in high school, I was trying to organize drama shows, and participating in shitty directed student plays. Pretty much the only guy who had friends that actually wasn't afraid to sing in front of my peers. Very judgemental peers. + I have been told I can definitely carry a tune. ANYWAYS! This play I was in recently had a lot of great actors and singers. I met a lot of great friends, especially 2 crazy people like me. One was a guy, so out, the other a girl, straight. Then there was me. No sexuality thrown out there.    He was very flirtatious, super nice, very handsome. He would always tell us his past experiences with his boyfriends. All around great guy.

 These 2 people I never came out to. Didn't want it to be a scandal in my program because 3 girls liked me. Ya. Me! But there was a moment when I slept over at his house (In his super pink room) and I thought we were about to kiss. I think it was because we were high, but I've always kind of liked him, even though he isn't my type. We just laugh a lot and I like his company. Anyways my friend was talking to us and he like looked at my oddly and stared into my eyes for a good 30 seconds and I didn't know what to do. In the end we remained friends.

Now that school is done though we haven't seen each other all summer. He moved, and he is always trying to hang out with me, but we can never get our plans to work. So I was at a party one day and all he kept texting me was that he wanted to talk to me, so the whole party pretty much I talked to him on msn. It was a very flirty conversation. He is like that though. Tonight out of no where texted me:

"11:11 n i wish for u ;)"

.......I didn't text back. I don't know what to say. He texted me later asking me if I was up, but I got back late to him and he never texted back. We shall see how this works out...

what is stopping me!

My whole summer goes like this. Sleep in, Party, Work, Think of when to come out to friends, What so say when coming out to friends, How will I EVER tell my family. Pretty much that. Coming out has been on my mind everyday for the past year, but the most I have ever thought of it has been this summer since coming out to my 2 best friends. I don't know why I can't just tell everyone, cause they all have their doubts, but I just can't seem to bring it up!

 There has been SOOO many perfect moments to just say it. Just to blurt it out there and get it over with. But I keep repeating, give it time, say it in the next 10 minutes. Of course nothing ever happens. Nothing at all. I just want to tell my sister! Me and her are close, and I know she won't care, but like at the same time it opens the door to the family part of coming out, and I don't feel ready for that. At all. My family is a tight core group, we have a time when we are all together. We are very loud and funny. I feel like if I was to come out, it would actually be the elephant in the room. Everyone would look at me and only see... gay. 

 But as for my friends. It is going to happen soon. I know they won't care about it, but I feel it deep down that I'm just going to say it soon..

Very soon...

big gay wedding, but not actually.

So tonight was an interesting night. Yet an all around fun night. Super fun night too be frank. So it started with my friends moms wedding. She wore a beautiful dress may I add. Anyways, I have been super stoked on this wedding for the past 2 weeks, so it came to no surprise that is was the best. We noticed it was an open bar, so the table full of maybe 15 teenagers, took advantage of it. I had like 6 beers, and got pretty drunk. Our table had more beers then probably any adult in the room. I think the bottle count was over 50, and I had the most. Uh oh. So earlier in the night my drunken best friend, (daughter of the bride) feels bad for her cousin who is sitting alone, so she invited him over. He was in his 20's, good looking, blonde and black hair, fit. Totally gay. Score. We all had a ball with him, he was so much fun, me and him just kept drinking. He totally knew I was gay. My other friends at the table didn't know. Ha ha ha. Interesting...

 As the night went on, and the drinks kept getting poured I kind of started to really want to make out with him. He kept looking at me kind of seductively you could say, but I just brushed it off. We got talking about my birthday and how I wanted to celebrate it at this party town, he said I should go to the local gay club where he parties. I wasn't so sure, because there is a lot of creepers and fag hag's there. As much as I wanted something to happen, particularly in the bathroom, nothing did. Nothing. Zilch. Me and him danced, but that was it. I had fun! It was what is was. Nothing more then innocent flirting. So I'll keep it at that.

He did have an nice ass though. Just saying!

sex for an 18 year old boy.

Sex in the gay world seems like it has so many strings attached to it. Or at least in my town. Some guys here look for a quick fuck and afterwards wish they could have more from that person. There is a thing called a one night stand, but I think that's too complex for them. 

 Being 18 and not fully out has been hard on having a sex life. I want one. I am a boy. I think of that stuff, but I can't seem to get one. I have done the cam thing with guys numerous times, chats on msn, picture exchanges, gave numbers. That sort of thing, yet it all amounts to nothing. Mostly because I don't pursue anything after the internet. Call me old fashioned but I don't think I could meet people from online. For starters you don't know them, so I always think in the back of my mind that this person is going to brutally murder me and cut my body into pieces. Hey! I'm just being pre cautious! Not always, but still. Or what I find extremely odd is the nude site situation. Like dudesnude. Not going to lie, I did have an account. Whatever! I would talk to a lot of guys and they would always want to hook up in person. I couldn't bring myself to it. First of all. I am a virgin and I am most certainly not losing it to a 40 year old guy I met off the internet! And second, is it not strange meeting this person you have been talking to online and already know what they look like naked? Someone care to explain any stories in the comments? 

 Anyways. It also comes down to body type. I am average, I'm super tall. Not ripped at all. I feel like gay guys are super picky. Which sucks, but I have learnt to adapt to just about every body shape. I look at the personality more then the looks now. So that's that. I just want sex to come naturally with someone I love, or like. Not a hook up. Especially since virginity is such a taboo! Not saying I should have a parade thrown for me when I lose it, because it will probably suck. But I dream big.

Tell me some of your own stories below!

my story of being gay.

I've always known I was gay. Well, actually... That is a lie. But a weird story. I remember in pre school I used to always have make out sessions with this boy named Cody, we would pretend to be boyfriends to each other and hide from the teachers and kiss. No kids made fun of us though. It was like almost normal. But I realize that when you are that young, it's nothing. Just being a kid, not seeing it as a bad thing. After that boy left I shoved any form of sexuality aside. I just was a normal kid, I played Pokemon, loved the Power Rangers, and saturday morning cartoons. I did have this fling with a fat girl on my street, but I was forced into it. She hid me under a barbecue tarp and told me to kiss her and have her babies. Yes you read that right. Then she said our children can be these baby pigeons that were nested in her backyard. Let's just say that relationship didn't last long. That girl was a player! Hitting up every boy I hung out with. I thought for the longest time after that I liked girls. I liked seeing naked girls. I thought I was straight. Girls turned me on, but one day that kind of switched. Well not on a certain day, just over time.

 I had this cousin. Well he wasn't exactly a 1st cousin, but he was a cousin somewhere down the line. We had a sleepover one day, and he suggested in the middle of the night when his parents were asleep we run around naked. I was at this point 10 or 11. I didn't really want to but he forced me into it. I was a pushover as a kid. Well he got naked and so did I. We both had major boners. I didn't hardly know what that was at that point in time but it felt good. He came up behind me and breathed on my neck a little and I thought we were going to kiss before I put my pants on. I thought it was wrong. He may not be related-related to me but we were close. We did this thing again a couple years later when we were like 12 again. Same thing happened. After this I knew something was different about me.

 Growing up is hard when you are in elementary school. It sucks. It is like a huge battlefield, and you have to get as many friends or you are going to be a loser for the rest of your life. It was also the grounds of the worse homophobia ever. I had a really high voice as a kid, and up until puberty. Not a girly voice, but a tone to it. A gay tone? Not a terrible one but it slight edge to it. Boys used to call me girly, but they still were my friend. It wasn't till grade 7 when people started calling me, "Homo" or "Fag" and didn't want to even know me. I had a lot of friends, but I knew some of they were embarrassed to hang out with a guy who got called those words. I tried so hard not to act the way I am, but it didn't stop the older boys from calling me names. They made sure everyday to let me know how they felt.

 Grade 7 was when I realized, I must be gay. But I was so ashamed. Some of my good friends told me that they hate gay people and wish they could put them on an island where they can burn. I knew I couldn't ever come out after this. Everyone hated gay people. Everyone. I remember gay jokes became so bad in elementary schools to everyone nobody wore their G.A.P sweaters. Why? Cause people said it meant Gay and Proud. I know I didn't. It was a nice sweater too. I remember sitting in the computer lab as my friend talked about how much he hates gays. I was thinking at that time that I just wish everyone knew I was, but I banished the thought. I couldn't believe I thought that, I would be subjected to so many jokes. So I said I would totally go all through life faking it, getting a girlfriend, getting married, kids. All of it. I thought at that moment, how hard could it be? Well it sounded better then the bullying. Which by this point was so bad I contemplated suicide. I look back at my journals and realize how sad I was and nobody was there to help me. Cause I thought everyone hated gays. I remember being 13 years old and crying in my room screaming at god wondering why he made me this way. Why couldn't he make me like other boys? Why couldn't I be STRAIGHT?! I hated him for making me this way, so I stopped believing in him. One day I was severely bullied, I quit the school play cause I was afraid of them making fun of me on stage. I came home crying, wishing those boys were dead. Or myself. I held a razor to my wrist, then did a cut. I bled everywhere, I couldn't believe I almost tried to take my life. I went through a terrible mental state but after those boys graduated, I felt free from it all. I was now the ruler of the elementary school. I was in grade 8, and we owned the place.

Grade 8 was when I tried to date girls, I had no feelings for them. This was when I realized my little plan of always faking it, would be tough. I still got made fun of by my peers, but it wasn't the kind bullying I suffered throughout grade 7. Boys would call me a fag, but because I was so close with all the girls everywhere, they said I was trying to steal their girlfriends. I never understood how that worked out, but it went on till high school.  When grade 9 came I was still very deep in the closet. I tried to like this girl but I was too shy to talk to her in person. I always was attracted to girls, but when I had to talk to them in person, I couldn't. I was afraid they would notice how gay I was. It was by grade 11 when I realized I couldn't go on any longer, I wanted people to know. The gay jokes had gotten old and I was just immune to it all. I was jealous of the out kids in my school, there wasn't a lot but there was some. When grade 12 came I was ready to get out of this closet. Grade 12 was this year. I knew I was gay, I was deep down proud of myself, and didn't keep my personality hidden. I have never been the really gay type to like walk like a girl, talk like one, so people always had this confusion about me, but it was at this point when people were like JUST ADMIT IT ALREADY! I was always talking to guys on the internet, doing naughty things, and I wanted a boyfriend. I had this confidence I had never had, because I found my true friends. Ones that accept anyone.

In the past 6 months I have come out to 2 of my best friends. I was drunk, I wanted to tell them in person at this party, but I couldn't muster up enough courage. So I texted them. Both of them didn't care, they were happy. I'm happy. I still got a lot of people to tell and I don't know when that is going to happen, but if they ever ask, I'll happily admit it. I recently have thought that if people assume I'm gay or know it, then why do I have to confirm it? Let them give me a label. I'm fine with my sexuality. And I am going to college soon, I can reinvent myself. I can be that gay boy, and not care. I can finally say I'm happy being me for the first time in my life, and I'm loving it.

the closet.

So these are my adventures I guess. I was hesitant to make a blog for many reason, but I gave in after I discovered I do quite crazy things. Things most people wouldn't do at the ripe ole age of 18. And maybe things people would like to read about. I don't know. This is my way of showing you guys how ridiculous this world is. Especially to gay people.

I don't want to be another tragic coming of age, coming out, blog. I want to be more. I want you to tell me some of your stories. After all. We are still kind of trying to walk out of that long walk in closet.