So I was in a big play 3 months ago. A big production. Let's just say the school I went to was like the school from the movie, Fame. I am a theatre kid. Love to sing, act, dance. When all the other boys were doing rugby in high school, I was trying to organize drama shows, and participating in shitty directed student plays. Pretty much the only guy who had friends that actually wasn't afraid to sing in front of my peers. Very judgemental peers. + I have been told I can definitely carry a tune. ANYWAYS! This play I was in recently had a lot of great actors and singers. I met a lot of great friends, especially 2 crazy people like me. One was a guy, so out, the other a girl, straight. Then there was me. No sexuality thrown out there. He was very flirtatious, super nice, very handsome. He would always tell us his past experiences with his boyfriends. All around great guy.
These 2 people I never came out to. Didn't want it to be a scandal in my program because 3 girls liked me. Ya. Me! But there was a moment when I slept over at his house (In his super pink room) and I thought we were about to kiss. I think it was because we were high, but I've always kind of liked him, even though he isn't my type. We just laugh a lot and I like his company. Anyways my friend was talking to us and he like looked at my oddly and stared into my eyes for a good 30 seconds and I didn't know what to do. In the end we remained friends.
Now that school is done though we haven't seen each other all summer. He moved, and he is always trying to hang out with me, but we can never get our plans to work. So I was at a party one day and all he kept texting me was that he wanted to talk to me, so the whole party pretty much I talked to him on msn. It was a very flirty conversation. He is like that though. Tonight out of no where texted me:
"11:11 n i wish for u ;)"
.......I didn't text back. I don't know what to say. He texted me later asking me if I was up, but I got back late to him and he never texted back. We shall see how this works out...
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
what is stopping me!
My whole summer goes like this. Sleep in, Party, Work, Think of when to come out to friends, What so say when coming out to friends, How will I EVER tell my family. Pretty much that. Coming out has been on my mind everyday for the past year, but the most I have ever thought of it has been this summer since coming out to my 2 best friends. I don't know why I can't just tell everyone, cause they all have their doubts, but I just can't seem to bring it up!
There has been SOOO many perfect moments to just say it. Just to blurt it out there and get it over with. But I keep repeating, give it time, say it in the next 10 minutes. Of course nothing ever happens. Nothing at all. I just want to tell my sister! Me and her are close, and I know she won't care, but like at the same time it opens the door to the family part of coming out, and I don't feel ready for that. At all. My family is a tight core group, we have a time when we are all together. We are very loud and funny. I feel like if I was to come out, it would actually be the elephant in the room. Everyone would look at me and only see... gay.
But as for my friends. It is going to happen soon. I know they won't care about it, but I feel it deep down that I'm just going to say it soon..
Very soon...
Saturday, August 28, 2010
big gay wedding, but not actually.
So tonight was an interesting night. Yet an all around fun night. Super fun night too be frank. So it started with my friends moms wedding. She wore a beautiful dress may I add. Anyways, I have been super stoked on this wedding for the past 2 weeks, so it came to no surprise that is was the best. We noticed it was an open bar, so the table full of maybe 15 teenagers, took advantage of it. I had like 6 beers, and got pretty drunk. Our table had more beers then probably any adult in the room. I think the bottle count was over 50, and I had the most. Uh oh. So earlier in the night my drunken best friend, (daughter of the bride) feels bad for her cousin who is sitting alone, so she invited him over. He was in his 20's, good looking, blonde and black hair, fit. Totally gay. Score. We all had a ball with him, he was so much fun, me and him just kept drinking. He totally knew I was gay. My other friends at the table didn't know. Ha ha ha. Interesting...
As the night went on, and the drinks kept getting poured I kind of started to really want to make out with him. He kept looking at me kind of seductively you could say, but I just brushed it off. We got talking about my birthday and how I wanted to celebrate it at this party town, he said I should go to the local gay club where he parties. I wasn't so sure, because there is a lot of creepers and fag hag's there. As much as I wanted something to happen, particularly in the bathroom, nothing did. Nothing. Zilch. Me and him danced, but that was it. I had fun! It was what is was. Nothing more then innocent flirting. So I'll keep it at that.
He did have an nice ass though. Just saying!
As the night went on, and the drinks kept getting poured I kind of started to really want to make out with him. He kept looking at me kind of seductively you could say, but I just brushed it off. We got talking about my birthday and how I wanted to celebrate it at this party town, he said I should go to the local gay club where he parties. I wasn't so sure, because there is a lot of creepers and fag hag's there. As much as I wanted something to happen, particularly in the bathroom, nothing did. Nothing. Zilch. Me and him danced, but that was it. I had fun! It was what is was. Nothing more then innocent flirting. So I'll keep it at that.
He did have an nice ass though. Just saying!
sex for an 18 year old boy.
Sex in the gay world seems like it has so many strings attached to it. Or at least in my town. Some guys here look for a quick fuck and afterwards wish they could have more from that person. There is a thing called a one night stand, but I think that's too complex for them.
Being 18 and not fully out has been hard on having a sex life. I want one. I am a boy. I think of that stuff, but I can't seem to get one. I have done the cam thing with guys numerous times, chats on msn, picture exchanges, gave numbers. That sort of thing, yet it all amounts to nothing. Mostly because I don't pursue anything after the internet. Call me old fashioned but I don't think I could meet people from online. For starters you don't know them, so I always think in the back of my mind that this person is going to brutally murder me and cut my body into pieces. Hey! I'm just being pre cautious! Not always, but still. Or what I find extremely odd is the nude site situation. Like dudesnude. Not going to lie, I did have an account. Whatever! I would talk to a lot of guys and they would always want to hook up in person. I couldn't bring myself to it. First of all. I am a virgin and I am most certainly not losing it to a 40 year old guy I met off the internet! And second, is it not strange meeting this person you have been talking to online and already know what they look like naked? Someone care to explain any stories in the comments?
Anyways. It also comes down to body type. I am average, I'm super tall. Not ripped at all. I feel like gay guys are super picky. Which sucks, but I have learnt to adapt to just about every body shape. I look at the personality more then the looks now. So that's that. I just want sex to come naturally with someone I love, or like. Not a hook up. Especially since virginity is such a taboo! Not saying I should have a parade thrown for me when I lose it, because it will probably suck. But I dream big.
Tell me some of your own stories below!
my story of being gay.
I've always known I was gay. Well, actually... That is a lie. But a weird story. I remember in pre school I used to always have make out sessions with this boy named Cody, we would pretend to be boyfriends to each other and hide from the teachers and kiss. No kids made fun of us though. It was like almost normal. But I realize that when you are that young, it's nothing. Just being a kid, not seeing it as a bad thing. After that boy left I shoved any form of sexuality aside. I just was a normal kid, I played Pokemon, loved the Power Rangers, and saturday morning cartoons. I did have this fling with a fat girl on my street, but I was forced into it. She hid me under a barbecue tarp and told me to kiss her and have her babies. Yes you read that right. Then she said our children can be these baby pigeons that were nested in her backyard. Let's just say that relationship didn't last long. That girl was a player! Hitting up every boy I hung out with. I thought for the longest time after that I liked girls. I liked seeing naked girls. I thought I was straight. Girls turned me on, but one day that kind of switched. Well not on a certain day, just over time.
I had this cousin. Well he wasn't exactly a 1st cousin, but he was a cousin somewhere down the line. We had a sleepover one day, and he suggested in the middle of the night when his parents were asleep we run around naked. I was at this point 10 or 11. I didn't really want to but he forced me into it. I was a pushover as a kid. Well he got naked and so did I. We both had major boners. I didn't hardly know what that was at that point in time but it felt good. He came up behind me and breathed on my neck a little and I thought we were going to kiss before I put my pants on. I thought it was wrong. He may not be related-related to me but we were close. We did this thing again a couple years later when we were like 12 again. Same thing happened. After this I knew something was different about me.
Growing up is hard when you are in elementary school. It sucks. It is like a huge battlefield, and you have to get as many friends or you are going to be a loser for the rest of your life. It was also the grounds of the worse homophobia ever. I had a really high voice as a kid, and up until puberty. Not a girly voice, but a tone to it. A gay tone? Not a terrible one but it slight edge to it. Boys used to call me girly, but they still were my friend. It wasn't till grade 7 when people started calling me, "Homo" or "Fag" and didn't want to even know me. I had a lot of friends, but I knew some of they were embarrassed to hang out with a guy who got called those words. I tried so hard not to act the way I am, but it didn't stop the older boys from calling me names. They made sure everyday to let me know how they felt.
Grade 7 was when I realized, I must be gay. But I was so ashamed. Some of my good friends told me that they hate gay people and wish they could put them on an island where they can burn. I knew I couldn't ever come out after this. Everyone hated gay people. Everyone. I remember gay jokes became so bad in elementary schools to everyone nobody wore their G.A.P sweaters. Why? Cause people said it meant Gay and Proud. I know I didn't. It was a nice sweater too. I remember sitting in the computer lab as my friend talked about how much he hates gays. I was thinking at that time that I just wish everyone knew I was, but I banished the thought. I couldn't believe I thought that, I would be subjected to so many jokes. So I said I would totally go all through life faking it, getting a girlfriend, getting married, kids. All of it. I thought at that moment, how hard could it be? Well it sounded better then the bullying. Which by this point was so bad I contemplated suicide. I look back at my journals and realize how sad I was and nobody was there to help me. Cause I thought everyone hated gays. I remember being 13 years old and crying in my room screaming at god wondering why he made me this way. Why couldn't he make me like other boys? Why couldn't I be STRAIGHT?! I hated him for making me this way, so I stopped believing in him. One day I was severely bullied, I quit the school play cause I was afraid of them making fun of me on stage. I came home crying, wishing those boys were dead. Or myself. I held a razor to my wrist, then did a cut. I bled everywhere, I couldn't believe I almost tried to take my life. I went through a terrible mental state but after those boys graduated, I felt free from it all. I was now the ruler of the elementary school. I was in grade 8, and we owned the place.
Grade 8 was when I tried to date girls, I had no feelings for them. This was when I realized my little plan of always faking it, would be tough. I still got made fun of by my peers, but it wasn't the kind bullying I suffered throughout grade 7. Boys would call me a fag, but because I was so close with all the girls everywhere, they said I was trying to steal their girlfriends. I never understood how that worked out, but it went on till high school. When grade 9 came I was still very deep in the closet. I tried to like this girl but I was too shy to talk to her in person. I always was attracted to girls, but when I had to talk to them in person, I couldn't. I was afraid they would notice how gay I was. It was by grade 11 when I realized I couldn't go on any longer, I wanted people to know. The gay jokes had gotten old and I was just immune to it all. I was jealous of the out kids in my school, there wasn't a lot but there was some. When grade 12 came I was ready to get out of this closet. Grade 12 was this year. I knew I was gay, I was deep down proud of myself, and didn't keep my personality hidden. I have never been the really gay type to like walk like a girl, talk like one, so people always had this confusion about me, but it was at this point when people were like JUST ADMIT IT ALREADY! I was always talking to guys on the internet, doing naughty things, and I wanted a boyfriend. I had this confidence I had never had, because I found my true friends. Ones that accept anyone.
In the past 6 months I have come out to 2 of my best friends. I was drunk, I wanted to tell them in person at this party, but I couldn't muster up enough courage. So I texted them. Both of them didn't care, they were happy. I'm happy. I still got a lot of people to tell and I don't know when that is going to happen, but if they ever ask, I'll happily admit it. I recently have thought that if people assume I'm gay or know it, then why do I have to confirm it? Let them give me a label. I'm fine with my sexuality. And I am going to college soon, I can reinvent myself. I can be that gay boy, and not care. I can finally say I'm happy being me for the first time in my life, and I'm loving it.
I had this cousin. Well he wasn't exactly a 1st cousin, but he was a cousin somewhere down the line. We had a sleepover one day, and he suggested in the middle of the night when his parents were asleep we run around naked. I was at this point 10 or 11. I didn't really want to but he forced me into it. I was a pushover as a kid. Well he got naked and so did I. We both had major boners. I didn't hardly know what that was at that point in time but it felt good. He came up behind me and breathed on my neck a little and I thought we were going to kiss before I put my pants on. I thought it was wrong. He may not be related-related to me but we were close. We did this thing again a couple years later when we were like 12 again. Same thing happened. After this I knew something was different about me.
Growing up is hard when you are in elementary school. It sucks. It is like a huge battlefield, and you have to get as many friends or you are going to be a loser for the rest of your life. It was also the grounds of the worse homophobia ever. I had a really high voice as a kid, and up until puberty. Not a girly voice, but a tone to it. A gay tone? Not a terrible one but it slight edge to it. Boys used to call me girly, but they still were my friend. It wasn't till grade 7 when people started calling me, "Homo" or "Fag" and didn't want to even know me. I had a lot of friends, but I knew some of they were embarrassed to hang out with a guy who got called those words. I tried so hard not to act the way I am, but it didn't stop the older boys from calling me names. They made sure everyday to let me know how they felt.
Grade 7 was when I realized, I must be gay. But I was so ashamed. Some of my good friends told me that they hate gay people and wish they could put them on an island where they can burn. I knew I couldn't ever come out after this. Everyone hated gay people. Everyone. I remember gay jokes became so bad in elementary schools to everyone nobody wore their G.A.P sweaters. Why? Cause people said it meant Gay and Proud. I know I didn't. It was a nice sweater too. I remember sitting in the computer lab as my friend talked about how much he hates gays. I was thinking at that time that I just wish everyone knew I was, but I banished the thought. I couldn't believe I thought that, I would be subjected to so many jokes. So I said I would totally go all through life faking it, getting a girlfriend, getting married, kids. All of it. I thought at that moment, how hard could it be? Well it sounded better then the bullying. Which by this point was so bad I contemplated suicide. I look back at my journals and realize how sad I was and nobody was there to help me. Cause I thought everyone hated gays. I remember being 13 years old and crying in my room screaming at god wondering why he made me this way. Why couldn't he make me like other boys? Why couldn't I be STRAIGHT?! I hated him for making me this way, so I stopped believing in him. One day I was severely bullied, I quit the school play cause I was afraid of them making fun of me on stage. I came home crying, wishing those boys were dead. Or myself. I held a razor to my wrist, then did a cut. I bled everywhere, I couldn't believe I almost tried to take my life. I went through a terrible mental state but after those boys graduated, I felt free from it all. I was now the ruler of the elementary school. I was in grade 8, and we owned the place.
Grade 8 was when I tried to date girls, I had no feelings for them. This was when I realized my little plan of always faking it, would be tough. I still got made fun of by my peers, but it wasn't the kind bullying I suffered throughout grade 7. Boys would call me a fag, but because I was so close with all the girls everywhere, they said I was trying to steal their girlfriends. I never understood how that worked out, but it went on till high school. When grade 9 came I was still very deep in the closet. I tried to like this girl but I was too shy to talk to her in person. I always was attracted to girls, but when I had to talk to them in person, I couldn't. I was afraid they would notice how gay I was. It was by grade 11 when I realized I couldn't go on any longer, I wanted people to know. The gay jokes had gotten old and I was just immune to it all. I was jealous of the out kids in my school, there wasn't a lot but there was some. When grade 12 came I was ready to get out of this closet. Grade 12 was this year. I knew I was gay, I was deep down proud of myself, and didn't keep my personality hidden. I have never been the really gay type to like walk like a girl, talk like one, so people always had this confusion about me, but it was at this point when people were like JUST ADMIT IT ALREADY! I was always talking to guys on the internet, doing naughty things, and I wanted a boyfriend. I had this confidence I had never had, because I found my true friends. Ones that accept anyone.
In the past 6 months I have come out to 2 of my best friends. I was drunk, I wanted to tell them in person at this party, but I couldn't muster up enough courage. So I texted them. Both of them didn't care, they were happy. I'm happy. I still got a lot of people to tell and I don't know when that is going to happen, but if they ever ask, I'll happily admit it. I recently have thought that if people assume I'm gay or know it, then why do I have to confirm it? Let them give me a label. I'm fine with my sexuality. And I am going to college soon, I can reinvent myself. I can be that gay boy, and not care. I can finally say I'm happy being me for the first time in my life, and I'm loving it.
the closet.
So these are my adventures I guess. I was hesitant to make a blog for many reason, but I gave in after I discovered I do quite crazy things. Things most people wouldn't do at the ripe ole age of 18. And maybe things people would like to read about. I don't know. This is my way of showing you guys how ridiculous this world is. Especially to gay people.
I don't want to be another tragic coming of age, coming out, blog. I want to be more. I want you to tell me some of your stories. After all. We are still kind of trying to walk out of that long walk in closet.
I don't want to be another tragic coming of age, coming out, blog. I want to be more. I want you to tell me some of your stories. After all. We are still kind of trying to walk out of that long walk in closet.
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