cancer + supposed cheater.

So today I discovered my nana has cancer. Brain cancer. She had lung cancer earlier this year, and by summer she was in remission, but it's come back, and this time it's bad. She either has 2 months or a year to live. What the shit is that? Those odds are fucking awful. I hate thinking that she has an expiry date on her now. I told Robb and he consoled me, but it didn't feel legitimate. I am beginning to feel like us dating was a bad thing because I feel real hurt right now, and he is at a friends party.

 I'm going to try not to think of my nana right now, it just hurts to think about. We will talk about Robb. After our fight about him going out to dinner with his ex and not telling me, we tried to go on thinking it was normal again. I think we tried to cover it all up by having a lot of sex. The sex felt good at the time, but when it was over it felt like a one night stand, like it meant nothing. I used to love sucking his dick, but now it's become so tedious, the other night he got upset with me because I wouldn't swallow his load, he said that he thought we were cool, I just told him that he could just shoot it on my face then. His best friend, Meg, and I hung out last night, I have grown close to her and I asked her if she thinks that Robb would cheat on me. She said she doesn't know. I'm being honest here I am thinking he is. Because he is still acting all suspicious, and not returning calls. I don't understand why he would want to hurt me, I'd rather know the truth.

 Well I just got a text saying I am going to the gay club tonight :| My friend found a fake i.d. so I guess I am going with him. I need to get drunk and get my mind off things. Bye.

can't always get what you want.

I am sitting here wanting to just cry. Guess you can say that I am very homesick. The first week of living here has been fine, nothing has been going on though. It is like I am in a rut. Everyday is the same. Go to school, come home, sit on computer, avoid roommates. Thats it! I don't have a problem with my roommates but the one girl just is such a cling on. She will never leave you alone and all she does is get drunk and high. It is getting annoying. Something ain't right with her.

 As for school, I like it, but the real world is coming way too quickly. I am not ready. Is anyone? I just can't believe I am homesick. I didn't think I would be. Also another thing that bums me out is that there are hardly any gay people in my school. Well in my program at least. Talk about annoying.

Somethings never turn out the way you want them too.

million miles.

My life is in boxes. Or important parts of me. I am getting ready to move for this saturday to a city I am not really familiar with, but luckily I am not going in alone. Today I helped my sister move into her house in Toronto. Man I am jealous of her and my friend who are moving into that house. It is so cute and artsy. My friend is a great artist and her paintings in the house make it look super original. It was a long day, and my arms felt like jello by noon, but it was worth it. I am glad I got to help them put together there first home! It made me think if I am going to miss home, or my sister and best friend all the time. They aren't far, but I won't get to see them everyday and I don't know how it is going to work. I will have to adjust.

Change is good. That is what everyone says right? Change is good...

what is stopping me!

My whole summer goes like this. Sleep in, Party, Work, Think of when to come out to friends, What so say when coming out to friends, How will I EVER tell my family. Pretty much that. Coming out has been on my mind everyday for the past year, but the most I have ever thought of it has been this summer since coming out to my 2 best friends. I don't know why I can't just tell everyone, cause they all have their doubts, but I just can't seem to bring it up!

 There has been SOOO many perfect moments to just say it. Just to blurt it out there and get it over with. But I keep repeating, give it time, say it in the next 10 minutes. Of course nothing ever happens. Nothing at all. I just want to tell my sister! Me and her are close, and I know she won't care, but like at the same time it opens the door to the family part of coming out, and I don't feel ready for that. At all. My family is a tight core group, we have a time when we are all together. We are very loud and funny. I feel like if I was to come out, it would actually be the elephant in the room. Everyone would look at me and only see... gay. 

 But as for my friends. It is going to happen soon. I know they won't care about it, but I feel it deep down that I'm just going to say it soon..

Very soon...