you'll wish you never met me.

I just go an angry email from my ex about my little performance the other night, he called me "the worst person he ever dated" and that he "should've never gone out with your pathetic ass in the first place, you wouldn't have done anything if I hadn't mind fucked you" anddddddd all I said was...

"Ya. Ha ha. Who is this?"

To which he replied back saying, "You've got to be fucking kidding me? Who else! Did you already fuck 30 other guys to forget about me?" This email ended with me saying, "You are a loser, thanks for emailing me on my performance, you looked like a wanker, I looked great, if it bugs you so much. You know where to reach me!" And then I got a phone call! Him screaming, and telling me he's in bed with his ex, fucking him and he's so much better. Then I just laughed and said, "Man you really got to be kidding me. I didn't think you would actually call but goes to show how fucking douchey you are. Have fun fucking that guy whos fucking other people! Bye."

I am sorry but I always get the last word. He's such a douche. I hate him. It boggles my mind why he insists on keeping contact with me. He totally likes me still. TOTALLY.

thanks for nothing: the break up.

Well guys. I haven't posted in awhile, but all for good reasons. Who knows if anyone is reading this blog in it's entirety anyways? Well thats besides the point, and for the people who are reading it, I'll fill you in what happened in the past 10 days...

 So I did show up to Robbs house unannounced on the 29th and boy, was he pissed. I told him I was in the neighbourhood and that he should let me in, I wouldn't be there for long. He kept saying he was really busy, and it was a bad time for me to show up. I kept my cool, just kind of looked at him and smiled a little and said, "Right. Bad time. Gotcha" and walked away. It took me a 15 dollar cab to get there, and I was only there for like 5 minutes. Totally worth it though. He called me the next day and apologized, saying that his grandma was in the hospital, and that he didn't want to be with anyone. I consoled him and said thats fine. In reality though, thats bullshit because she isn't in the hospital I would come to know...

 The complete distance between us got longer every time I caught him in a lie, I didn't know what he was doing, but all I know is that he didn't want to break up with me. Why? I don't know. The final straw came when I went to the gay club with my friend again. This club is so fun. Well Robb blew me off that night because he said he was going to visit his grandma, so I went clubbing instead. It was such a blast, we got hit on a lot, but mostly by creepy bears whispering in our ears that they had there dicks pierced. EW. Now this is where it all blows up. As the song "Get Outta My Way" by Kylie Minogue pops on (my anthem) My friend pokes me and points to the other side of the room. Guess who it is? YEP. Robb. With who? His ex. The little fucker. At that moment in time, I felt sick to my stomach, I knew deep down something was happening, but to finally see it is a whole new punch in the gut.

 I asked my friend if I should do something. I felt embarrassed to be there and wanted to leave, but he told me that I had to make him look like a fool. I had to sit and think about if I should just leave it, and confront him later, but ultimately opted for humiliation. So while my jam was playing, I waltzed up behind them (keep in mind I was smashed) and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around. The smile on his face dropped and he froze. I basically stood there smiling at them both, and DEATH STARED the ex, I asked them if they were having a great time, they looked at each other, and I just rolled my eyes and walked away. Robb and his ex followed me to the bathroom, and Robb tried to explain. "No need!" I said, then his stupid fucking ex chimes in and I snapped. I told him to get the fuck out my space before I destroyed his pretty little face. He kept trying to reason, and I legit got up in his face and said, "Seriously. I don't care what you have to say, get the fuck out of my space or I'll beat your face in" Such violence. I don't know where it came from within me. The ex left, and Robb stood there trying to speak. I ended the conversation with this..

"Listen Robb, I always knew you and I would never last long, sad I know, but it's the truth. So really you standing here telling me a lie, on top of a million other lies, will not  make everything fine and dandy, like you thought it has over the past month. Gotta say, you have to be the biggest regret of my life."

And like that we were over. He emailed me yesterday with an apology, saying he feels like shit, and that the only reason he was hanging with his ex, and fucking him was because he was afraid that he loved me too much and it scared him that he never cared that much for another person before. K. Then WHY would you hurt the person you love most? Lmao. Wow. He must be retarded. Thank GOD this is all over. I was sad, but now its a relief. He looks like an idiot, and my job is done.

So... Hey boys. I'm single, and looking for a sensational fuck. No strings attached. You in?

 

i just wish you never said it.

Hope you lot had a great christmas. I sure did. Lots of great gifts and moments with my family that I will treasure. As for Robb, not so much. I'm pretty sure he has been seeing his ex behind my back. I don't know what they are doing, but I have been really upset from it all. I do feel betrayed that he is just constantly lying and saying sometimes they just hangout. Maybe they do? But I am not a stupid person, and there is obviously something wrong.

 I want to just end this whole thing, but I can't seem to bring myself too. I feel so connected to this relationship due to the fact that it's my first (unexpected) relationship with a guy since I've come to terms with my sexuality. I don't want my first swing to be a miss. But obviously this is hurting me, especially cause Robb said "I love you" to me the other night and I couldn't believe it. I didn't know whether to believe it or not, and felt angry that I couldn't just be in a normal relationship that felt like it was stable and not full of lies. We started off good, but the last couple weeks... Things have definitely slipped away.

I'm staying at his house tomorrow, and big things could be happening. In fact I am just showing up, unannounced, I told him I was coming over one of these days but I didn't say when.

I wish he never said it.

cause you're stutterin aka the big fight.

 We had our first fight the other night, and it was pretty big. We had made plans to go to Toronto to view this art exhibit, but last minute he cancelled on me with a lame excuse, "I just have so much homework, last minute project I have to do." I know when he is lying and I was really looking forward to going out. I sat around for awhile doing homework, and thought if I should bother calling him because I KNEW he wasn't telling me the truth.

 I realized a little bit later I had a reason to call him, I needed to tell him to bring my sweater to school the next day, so I dialled and he picked up. All I heard in the background was people talking and I knew right then and there that he wasn't at home. He doesn't have caller i.d so this worked to my advantage. He said Hi, and I was just like, "Homework my ass." Then I hung up. He texted me right after saying, "WTF?"

I didn't respond back.

 He came to my house at like 12:00 am and I drove me back to his place. I pretty much told him I knew he lied to me what he did tonight, and I wanted to know what he did that was so secretive that he had to lie. He didn't really give out an answer, it was almost like he was trying to prep me for something bad. I just told him to be honest, and if he wasn't then we wouldn't be able to date. Thats when he told me he went out to dinner with his ex. Why? Because he said that he broke up with his boyfriend and needed someone to talk to. Lamest thing in my book. I was pretty upset, and started getting really rude and told him that he was a fucking prick for keeping something like that hidden. Seriously! That is so shady, I also told him that I had absolute no trust for him now. I don't. He managed to lose it all in a couple of hours.  All he kept saying was sorry, and that this only happened once.

I wouldn't be as upset if he hadn't lied to me, in fact I would say go for it, but he did and because he just sat there stuttering his way through a series of lies it made it all worse. Now I'm just worried that he won't be honest with me. We are "fine" now, but I feel a little awkward with him.

until you love you.

So I started writing a journal today, I have had it sitting on my desk for awhile but didn't know if I wanted to make a journal out of it. I caved, writing down deep personal thoughts is.... strange. I have had tons of journals in the past, but this one feels like my official first journal. My past journals are so, censored. I never talked about being gay, sex, drugs, anything like that. I just wrote down memories, when I could of got stuff of my mind and not kept it bottled up. It's just weird thinking about the fact that I couldn't even admit to being gay in my own journal, something that nobody was ever going to read but me. I couldn't even be honest with myself.

 It's sad. I was that hollow inside. I used my journals to talk about stuff I did, but nothing that was bothering me deep down. That's different now because I use this blog so hopefully people read it and find joy in reading my adventures and troubles, or relate to me. Also this new journal started off the bat, "I'm gay, I think I'm dying, and I wanna watch porn."

No more being ashamed of myself. I can't love somebody else, like Robb if I can't love myself. But he has made me feel good about being who I am. Be proud!

out of the blue.

So today I met my boyfriends ex boyfriend. It just so happens that he goes to the same school as me, and works at my favourite store, H+M. This week has been really awkward when it comes to people for me. First off, his ex, walks up to me while he's working and asks my name. I told him, and he basically introduced himself to me. I was thinking to myself, why are you telling me who you are? Just thought it was weird, but basically he talked to me about living here, how school is, stuff like that, as if he knew me.

 It was all very strange, I didn't know what he was getting at. He was very charming, but I'm just confused how he knows me... and yet I had no clue who he was. Does this mean that, Robb (aka Mr.Gorgeous real name) still talk to his ex, and if it's about anything, why me? I know he dated guys in the past, but from what this guy told me, it seemed like they dated for a long time.

I'm a little paranoid right now.

so incredibly awkward.

So last night, Mr. Gorgeous (I hate that name now) and I went for a drive. On that drive we discovered we wanted to just park somewhere and talk. So we did. We parked in this parking lot behind this abandoned old hockey arena. We talked about boys, what's up in our lives, all that wonderful stuff. Then of course, because it seems like we can't never do this, we started making out. Well one thing led to another and I started giving him a blowjob. Penis's are weird. Don't you find them strange? I do. So I was doing that when we heard a tap at the window. YA I KNOW.

It was a police officer... there I was mouth on dick looking up at him. I quickly shot up and started howling. I thought it was so funny, and the police officer was super embarrassed, he just told us not too stick around here for long then ran back to his car. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN. HAHAHA. I feel embarrassed,  but like I'll probably never see that officer again.

Oh my god. My life right now I'm telling ya...

happiness.

Things have been going great! I am happy I have a boyfriend? So strange to say that. But I have one! Yes. These past 3 months have been crazy with him, but worth it now. School has like physically assaulted me with homework, it's shit. I have a project I need to start tomorrow due Wednesday. Ugh.

But Christmas is coming soon! & I am so happy because that means x-mas break! Yus! I have been talking to my boyfriend and we are thinking of going up to his cottage for a couple days this week and in December. I am excited.

:D

give it all up, not to be sleeping alone.

Been awhile since I have last posted, but some stuff has happened. First off I think were dating now. Second off, I don't know because I have to say "think." Anyways we have hung out for this entire past week and this week. We've gotten to know each other a lot, and he says that he wants to keep it this way. We haven't talked about what we are, but we seem official, in fact I am going to ask him after this. He called me his boyfriend but does that mean anything?

 This man is a mystery, and for being my first real love it's been hard. Too hard. It's killing me.


UPDATE: HE SAID SO. HE SAID WE WERE!!!!! AH! I'M SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!! LMFAO.

hummingbird heartbeat.

 That guy I was talking to? FUCKING WEIRD. He kept texting me, and I was getting so friggin annoyed. He was talking like this:

"Hey cutie :) did you have a good sleep *hugz* I really want to cuddle with you :D I got a new video game we should play it sometime, Anyways got to go bye *kisses*"

........................UH. I hateee when people put things in *stars* to emphasize something. Biggest peeve ever, or use lots of smiley faces. Anyways, I stopped texting him cause I thought he might get the hint. WRONG. He texted me at 9:30am till 12am. The whole day at school he was like having a conversation to thin air! + He kept sending me pics of his ass, and saying creepy stuff. OVER IT.

The only highlight of this week was finishing homework, and finally talking to Mr. Gorgeous. He came and talked to me, checked if I was okay, I said yeah and then he wanted to know if I would hang with him that night. I kind of looked at him oddly and said "I don't knoww." I still felt hurt, and I felt like I was being treated like a yo-yo, but I obliged. We went straight to his house after school, and it was almost like nothing had happened a week before. It felt right. We just talked, and talked. Had a few laughs, then made out. He told me later as we were driving home that he want's to hangout tomorrow as well, I said for sure, so that's whats happening today! Or in an hour. I excited, I get butterflies when I hang with him because I definitely like him! 

 I think he's making dinner too? Score.

here we go again.

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it was enchanting to meet him.

So I went out with Mr.Gorgeous again. After he texted me apologizing, I just told him to let me be, I'm not new to seeing guys, and that I don't want my first time to be a game. He understood, and asked if we could go talk in person, for coffee and such. I said no. I didn't want to get my hopes up again! This guy seems to have a tendency to give love and snatch it back. I don't want that. Who does?

After I said no he called me, and I didn't answer, and he kept calling till I did. I kind of flipped on him, and he just said he will come pick me up. I gave it thought, I wanted to hear why he didn't call, and then just end it. Maybe be friends? Well he picked me up and we went to a Tim Hortons and chilled. It was awkward at first for obvious reasons, but he told me straight up that the reason why he ignored me was because he has feelings for me and isn't looking for a relationship. I told him that was retarded and stupid. If he felt something for me why not make it into something? Why waste those feelings?!

 I asked him if could drive me home, I was upset. He did, and halfway he pulled over and reached over and kissed me. Really, really hard. It hurt. But it felt so good. I started crying because I was really hurt that he was just going to leave me hanging. The conversation obviously showed me that I had feelings for him. I pushed him away and then he kept driving. When we got to my house he said he was sorry, kissed me, and I left. I haven't talked to him since yesterday. I cried a lot last night. It all sounds like a soap opera and I hate that it has to be that way.

 We will see what comes of this, because I really fell for him.

loss of words.

It is finally reading week, thank the lord. Because last minute all my teachers decided to rape me with homework, and now all the plans I've had have to be cancelled or rescheduled. Bullshit. I stayed up till 4 last night trying to finish one of my projects. I woke up today at 4. It sucks.

BUT, the reason why I am writing a blog post is because "Mr. Gorgeous" texted me today, (about an hour ago) and apologized to me! I haven't texted back, but he sent another one like 15 minutes ago saying once again he was sorry and that he understands if I don't want to talk to him.

WHAT DO I DO?! What should I say?! Sound off on comments, I legit don't know to say...

smirking prick.

Today has sucked. It has sucked HARDCORE. First of all I was hungover and had a bad sleep, I just didn't want to go to class. Last night drinks though were awesome! So I mustered up enough energy to go to class and wore my purple, I hope you did, and took my ass to school. The second suck of the day....CLASS. So boring, I had to listen to a guest speaker, and it was bullshit. After class was done I peaced to the cafeteria to grab something to eat.  I got my food was heading to the foyer when I saw him. I don't even want to call him by his name anymore, "Mr. Gorgeous" it should be more like, "Mr. Gorgeous on the outside but deep down I'm a real asshole and will ditch you after I get one thing from you." I like that better.

ANYWAYS I was going to sit down in the foyer and eat, when I saw him sitting there with this other guy, that I think is in his program, and they were sitting there playing with each others hands... Am I making this dramatic?! I don't think so, because as I was coming down the stairs he saw me and gave me a smug little smirk, then went back to diddling that guys hand. It was flirting if I have ever seen a form of flirting.... Let that slide. So there you have it! The prick fooled me, which I can't believe I didn't pick up on. I thought he was genuine and not one of those guys that the gay world tells you to watch out for!

I think I wouldn't have cared if he hadn't smirked at me, it was the kind of smirk that you do when you know you're doing something wrong, but love it. THE NERVE!

reality bites.

So last night I had a dream that I was at this huge field, and there was a gigantic big screen playing some dumb ass movie. There was a ton of people there and I was with my friends, I guess I was looking around when I saw this guy I know, who is super cute, don't know him personally, cause he lives in Ohio, but I really wish I did. I just remember thinking the dream was so real and I got SUPER happy to see him and I got up to walk to this place and kind of gave him this look and he soon followed. After I did this Ke$ha's song, Take It Off, started playing and thats when I realized, IT WAS A DREAM.

 I woke up so mad. Partially because I know I will probably never meet this guy, but we both have so much in common, and he is totally my type. Reality sucks.

ps. Still haven't heard anything from Mr. Gorgeous. This love has lost pulse.

be mine!

So I haven't heard much from Mr. Gorgeous this week. Or even after we had sex. So I'm thinking I was a one time hook up. I'm not upset about it because it's so blatantly obvious that was where our little conversations were leading too, but I could've sworn it was different.

 I'm not emotionally attached to the guy whatsoever, I just like the idea of seeing someone, doesn't have to be him. This is common right? Anyways I just thought because we had talked SO much before we had sex, that it was leading somewhere. How do you get to know someone and enjoy their company, and not care if you don't call em. I feel like if he wanted to just have sex with me he would have jumped to it, and not done all sorts of stuff before we did it. Ya know what I'm saying?

OH WELL. Guess I shall just move on.

losing my virginity. hate that saying.

I'm just going to say it. I HAD SEX. Ew. Embarrassing, but i've never done it before and I still can't believe it happened, and that I was dumb enough to just give it up like that, but virginity is so taboo and who was I kidding?!

 So I said last post Mr. Gorgeous asked me to hang out, and I decided to because I finished this essay paper early (which nearly killed me BTW) and I was sitting around doing jack. So I called him up and asked if he wanted to do anything, he said he was glad I called. Ya whatever. So I didn't know what to do, but thankfully he offered to hang out at his place cause his roommate was gone for the weekend. I got on the bus and travelled across the city to get to his place, it took awhile and didn't know if it was worth it but I took a chance. When I got there it was like 9:00pm and I didn't want to go on a bus ever again, I found his place and knocked on his door, he answered the door and told me to come in, his place was nice. Not like super modern nice, but super hipster nice. I'll cut out the small talk but we went to the living room and just chilled and talked, and talked. I really thought it was going to be awkward, but it kinda wasn't? I felt comfortable around him so it wasn't really weird. After awhile we tried to decide on watching a movie, but it turned into a debate. We couldn't settle on one until he brought out Milk. Best movie ever. But super gay. I laughed and said sure.

Blah, Blah, Blah, we watched the movie, loved it as usual, when suddenly halfway through he randomly asks me if I have ever had a boyfriend. I said no. Then he asked if I had ever been with any boy. I said no again. He said that was cute. Then we kind of both went in at the same time and kissed. It wasn't long, just a nice kiss. Then we stopped and just sat there watching the movie, thats when we kinda just looked at each other and started going at it again. This time it was more of a serious make out. We were lying on top of each other and this was going on for a good 10 minutes. I guess you can say we were dry humping as well, cause it was all over the place. I got super hard, but I guess he felt it against his leg because he started stroking it underneath my jeans. This led to me taking his shirt off and him doing the same to me, he eventually took off his pants, and man. He had an extraordinary body, nice muscles, hairy, a teenage dream! I couldn't believe I was about to have sex, after countless amounts of porn, and wanting it, I WAS GETTING IT. So he sat down on the couch and I took off his underwear and started giving him head. Sucking a dick is weird. I don't know if I liked it or not. It probably feels better for the person getting it though! Ha Ha. Sucking his dick went on for awhile and then he asked if I was a bottom. I don't know, I was going to say I am though because I always thought I would be. Then he asked if I wanted to do anal. So I said sure.

Thats a story for another time though...
Ha ha.

mr.gorgeous strikes back.

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