i just wish you never said it.

Hope you lot had a great christmas. I sure did. Lots of great gifts and moments with my family that I will treasure. As for Robb, not so much. I'm pretty sure he has been seeing his ex behind my back. I don't know what they are doing, but I have been really upset from it all. I do feel betrayed that he is just constantly lying and saying sometimes they just hangout. Maybe they do? But I am not a stupid person, and there is obviously something wrong.

 I want to just end this whole thing, but I can't seem to bring myself too. I feel so connected to this relationship due to the fact that it's my first (unexpected) relationship with a guy since I've come to terms with my sexuality. I don't want my first swing to be a miss. But obviously this is hurting me, especially cause Robb said "I love you" to me the other night and I couldn't believe it. I didn't know whether to believe it or not, and felt angry that I couldn't just be in a normal relationship that felt like it was stable and not full of lies. We started off good, but the last couple weeks... Things have definitely slipped away.

I'm staying at his house tomorrow, and big things could be happening. In fact I am just showing up, unannounced, I told him I was coming over one of these days but I didn't say when.

I wish he never said it.

cancer + supposed cheater.

So today I discovered my nana has cancer. Brain cancer. She had lung cancer earlier this year, and by summer she was in remission, but it's come back, and this time it's bad. She either has 2 months or a year to live. What the shit is that? Those odds are fucking awful. I hate thinking that she has an expiry date on her now. I told Robb and he consoled me, but it didn't feel legitimate. I am beginning to feel like us dating was a bad thing because I feel real hurt right now, and he is at a friends party.

 I'm going to try not to think of my nana right now, it just hurts to think about. We will talk about Robb. After our fight about him going out to dinner with his ex and not telling me, we tried to go on thinking it was normal again. I think we tried to cover it all up by having a lot of sex. The sex felt good at the time, but when it was over it felt like a one night stand, like it meant nothing. I used to love sucking his dick, but now it's become so tedious, the other night he got upset with me because I wouldn't swallow his load, he said that he thought we were cool, I just told him that he could just shoot it on my face then. His best friend, Meg, and I hung out last night, I have grown close to her and I asked her if she thinks that Robb would cheat on me. She said she doesn't know. I'm being honest here I am thinking he is. Because he is still acting all suspicious, and not returning calls. I don't understand why he would want to hurt me, I'd rather know the truth.

 Well I just got a text saying I am going to the gay club tonight :| My friend found a fake i.d. so I guess I am going with him. I need to get drunk and get my mind off things. Bye.

cause you're stutterin aka the big fight.

 We had our first fight the other night, and it was pretty big. We had made plans to go to Toronto to view this art exhibit, but last minute he cancelled on me with a lame excuse, "I just have so much homework, last minute project I have to do." I know when he is lying and I was really looking forward to going out. I sat around for awhile doing homework, and thought if I should bother calling him because I KNEW he wasn't telling me the truth.

 I realized a little bit later I had a reason to call him, I needed to tell him to bring my sweater to school the next day, so I dialled and he picked up. All I heard in the background was people talking and I knew right then and there that he wasn't at home. He doesn't have caller i.d so this worked to my advantage. He said Hi, and I was just like, "Homework my ass." Then I hung up. He texted me right after saying, "WTF?"

I didn't respond back.

 He came to my house at like 12:00 am and I drove me back to his place. I pretty much told him I knew he lied to me what he did tonight, and I wanted to know what he did that was so secretive that he had to lie. He didn't really give out an answer, it was almost like he was trying to prep me for something bad. I just told him to be honest, and if he wasn't then we wouldn't be able to date. Thats when he told me he went out to dinner with his ex. Why? Because he said that he broke up with his boyfriend and needed someone to talk to. Lamest thing in my book. I was pretty upset, and started getting really rude and told him that he was a fucking prick for keeping something like that hidden. Seriously! That is so shady, I also told him that I had absolute no trust for him now. I don't. He managed to lose it all in a couple of hours.  All he kept saying was sorry, and that this only happened once.

I wouldn't be as upset if he hadn't lied to me, in fact I would say go for it, but he did and because he just sat there stuttering his way through a series of lies it made it all worse. Now I'm just worried that he won't be honest with me. We are "fine" now, but I feel a little awkward with him.

attacked by a gay guy.

Tonight I was berated by a fellow homo. But he's extremely out, and I am not. It basically all started when I posted a picture of this image regarding the stupidity of changing your facebook profile pic of a cartoon too stop child abuse. I felt that it was insensitive to do, because that will not raise awareness, it just gives people an excuse to relive there childhood shows. So he comments on it saying that what I posted was "disrespectful" I just said back to him that I was sorry that he felt that way, but its only a graphic image stating the obvious. He kept going on and on, so I finally stopped him and told him that I didn't make the image, and told him to not crucify me. He then told me to get a life, which I replied back with a "Why are you starting shit on my photo? You work with me, thats it, I don't talk to you.

 In the end, he looked like a major asshole, and plain dumb. He tried to back up his arguments but it didn't work at all. He even called me a fag, a term that could be used on him well. But my friend shot him down when she said that its unfortunate that he chooses to use that word as a gay man himself.

Basically in the end, I find it pretty fucked up how as a gay community our hearts break for those teenagers, but yet.... we have those same bullies  WHO ARE GAY. That is so wrong! Time to start putting things in perspective.

until you love you.

So I started writing a journal today, I have had it sitting on my desk for awhile but didn't know if I wanted to make a journal out of it. I caved, writing down deep personal thoughts is.... strange. I have had tons of journals in the past, but this one feels like my official first journal. My past journals are so, censored. I never talked about being gay, sex, drugs, anything like that. I just wrote down memories, when I could of got stuff of my mind and not kept it bottled up. It's just weird thinking about the fact that I couldn't even admit to being gay in my own journal, something that nobody was ever going to read but me. I couldn't even be honest with myself.

 It's sad. I was that hollow inside. I used my journals to talk about stuff I did, but nothing that was bothering me deep down. That's different now because I use this blog so hopefully people read it and find joy in reading my adventures and troubles, or relate to me. Also this new journal started off the bat, "I'm gay, I think I'm dying, and I wanna watch porn."

No more being ashamed of myself. I can't love somebody else, like Robb if I can't love myself. But he has made me feel good about being who I am. Be proud!

out of the blue.

So today I met my boyfriends ex boyfriend. It just so happens that he goes to the same school as me, and works at my favourite store, H+M. This week has been really awkward when it comes to people for me. First off, his ex, walks up to me while he's working and asks my name. I told him, and he basically introduced himself to me. I was thinking to myself, why are you telling me who you are? Just thought it was weird, but basically he talked to me about living here, how school is, stuff like that, as if he knew me.

 It was all very strange, I didn't know what he was getting at. He was very charming, but I'm just confused how he knows me... and yet I had no clue who he was. Does this mean that, Robb (aka Mr.Gorgeous real name) still talk to his ex, and if it's about anything, why me? I know he dated guys in the past, but from what this guy told me, it seemed like they dated for a long time.

I'm a little paranoid right now.

so incredibly awkward.

So last night, Mr. Gorgeous (I hate that name now) and I went for a drive. On that drive we discovered we wanted to just park somewhere and talk. So we did. We parked in this parking lot behind this abandoned old hockey arena. We talked about boys, what's up in our lives, all that wonderful stuff. Then of course, because it seems like we can't never do this, we started making out. Well one thing led to another and I started giving him a blowjob. Penis's are weird. Don't you find them strange? I do. So I was doing that when we heard a tap at the window. YA I KNOW.

It was a police officer... there I was mouth on dick looking up at him. I quickly shot up and started howling. I thought it was so funny, and the police officer was super embarrassed, he just told us not too stick around here for long then ran back to his car. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN. HAHAHA. I feel embarrassed,  but like I'll probably never see that officer again.

Oh my god. My life right now I'm telling ya...