my story of being gay.

I've always known I was gay. Well, actually... That is a lie. But a weird story. I remember in pre school I used to always have make out sessions with this boy named Cody, we would pretend to be boyfriends to each other and hide from the teachers and kiss. No kids made fun of us though. It was like almost normal. But I realize that when you are that young, it's nothing. Just being a kid, not seeing it as a bad thing. After that boy left I shoved any form of sexuality aside. I just was a normal kid, I played Pokemon, loved the Power Rangers, and saturday morning cartoons. I did have this fling with a fat girl on my street, but I was forced into it. She hid me under a barbecue tarp and told me to kiss her and have her babies. Yes you read that right. Then she said our children can be these baby pigeons that were nested in her backyard. Let's just say that relationship didn't last long. That girl was a player! Hitting up every boy I hung out with. I thought for the longest time after that I liked girls. I liked seeing naked girls. I thought I was straight. Girls turned me on, but one day that kind of switched. Well not on a certain day, just over time.

 I had this cousin. Well he wasn't exactly a 1st cousin, but he was a cousin somewhere down the line. We had a sleepover one day, and he suggested in the middle of the night when his parents were asleep we run around naked. I was at this point 10 or 11. I didn't really want to but he forced me into it. I was a pushover as a kid. Well he got naked and so did I. We both had major boners. I didn't hardly know what that was at that point in time but it felt good. He came up behind me and breathed on my neck a little and I thought we were going to kiss before I put my pants on. I thought it was wrong. He may not be related-related to me but we were close. We did this thing again a couple years later when we were like 12 again. Same thing happened. After this I knew something was different about me.

 Growing up is hard when you are in elementary school. It sucks. It is like a huge battlefield, and you have to get as many friends or you are going to be a loser for the rest of your life. It was also the grounds of the worse homophobia ever. I had a really high voice as a kid, and up until puberty. Not a girly voice, but a tone to it. A gay tone? Not a terrible one but it slight edge to it. Boys used to call me girly, but they still were my friend. It wasn't till grade 7 when people started calling me, "Homo" or "Fag" and didn't want to even know me. I had a lot of friends, but I knew some of they were embarrassed to hang out with a guy who got called those words. I tried so hard not to act the way I am, but it didn't stop the older boys from calling me names. They made sure everyday to let me know how they felt.

 Grade 7 was when I realized, I must be gay. But I was so ashamed. Some of my good friends told me that they hate gay people and wish they could put them on an island where they can burn. I knew I couldn't ever come out after this. Everyone hated gay people. Everyone. I remember gay jokes became so bad in elementary schools to everyone nobody wore their G.A.P sweaters. Why? Cause people said it meant Gay and Proud. I know I didn't. It was a nice sweater too. I remember sitting in the computer lab as my friend talked about how much he hates gays. I was thinking at that time that I just wish everyone knew I was, but I banished the thought. I couldn't believe I thought that, I would be subjected to so many jokes. So I said I would totally go all through life faking it, getting a girlfriend, getting married, kids. All of it. I thought at that moment, how hard could it be? Well it sounded better then the bullying. Which by this point was so bad I contemplated suicide. I look back at my journals and realize how sad I was and nobody was there to help me. Cause I thought everyone hated gays. I remember being 13 years old and crying in my room screaming at god wondering why he made me this way. Why couldn't he make me like other boys? Why couldn't I be STRAIGHT?! I hated him for making me this way, so I stopped believing in him. One day I was severely bullied, I quit the school play cause I was afraid of them making fun of me on stage. I came home crying, wishing those boys were dead. Or myself. I held a razor to my wrist, then did a cut. I bled everywhere, I couldn't believe I almost tried to take my life. I went through a terrible mental state but after those boys graduated, I felt free from it all. I was now the ruler of the elementary school. I was in grade 8, and we owned the place.

Grade 8 was when I tried to date girls, I had no feelings for them. This was when I realized my little plan of always faking it, would be tough. I still got made fun of by my peers, but it wasn't the kind bullying I suffered throughout grade 7. Boys would call me a fag, but because I was so close with all the girls everywhere, they said I was trying to steal their girlfriends. I never understood how that worked out, but it went on till high school.  When grade 9 came I was still very deep in the closet. I tried to like this girl but I was too shy to talk to her in person. I always was attracted to girls, but when I had to talk to them in person, I couldn't. I was afraid they would notice how gay I was. It was by grade 11 when I realized I couldn't go on any longer, I wanted people to know. The gay jokes had gotten old and I was just immune to it all. I was jealous of the out kids in my school, there wasn't a lot but there was some. When grade 12 came I was ready to get out of this closet. Grade 12 was this year. I knew I was gay, I was deep down proud of myself, and didn't keep my personality hidden. I have never been the really gay type to like walk like a girl, talk like one, so people always had this confusion about me, but it was at this point when people were like JUST ADMIT IT ALREADY! I was always talking to guys on the internet, doing naughty things, and I wanted a boyfriend. I had this confidence I had never had, because I found my true friends. Ones that accept anyone.

In the past 6 months I have come out to 2 of my best friends. I was drunk, I wanted to tell them in person at this party, but I couldn't muster up enough courage. So I texted them. Both of them didn't care, they were happy. I'm happy. I still got a lot of people to tell and I don't know when that is going to happen, but if they ever ask, I'll happily admit it. I recently have thought that if people assume I'm gay or know it, then why do I have to confirm it? Let them give me a label. I'm fine with my sexuality. And I am going to college soon, I can reinvent myself. I can be that gay boy, and not care. I can finally say I'm happy being me for the first time in my life, and I'm loving it.