devils night.

Halloween was fun. I guess. Well I went to 2 parties this weekend, and the party I thought was going to suck was way better then the one I had high expectations for. On Friday I went to my friends house by my school, and we got super drunk and then really, really high. My friend made a major joint, a huge one, then 2 small ones. My friend and I were howling at everything, I felt so amateur at getting high, but I'm not. It was just really good weed. We were fascinated with Kanye West's new music video, and Eva Longoria's EMA rap, and these lights that look like tits. Awkward. But we howled so much.

 I didn't know many people at that party though, because it was all friends from my friends program at school. But I think I made some new friends. My costume was like a cracked out Sue Sylvester, I don't even know what it was. It looked 80's. As for yesterday, it started bad. First off the party started at 9, we decided to leave then and it took us 2 hours to get there. When it should've taken at least 40 minutes! We got lost, and we were all wanting to cut each others heads off. We finally got there and the party was divided by the older kids and younger ones. We sat on the kitchen floor and played drinking games and talked. The older kids watched fucking sponge bob. Like what? It was boring, and then it got worse. I lost my iPhone and couldn't find it ANYWHERE! I tried to just forget about it, and we all went to this plaza looking for pizza. Instead we started smashing pumpkins. I felt like a hoodlum. I always hated those kids who did that. But whatever! They were the grocery store pumpkins, they were gonna get thrown out anyways!

My Adam Lambert costume was a success, I actually looked like him. But I have been told countless times before that I look exactly like him, so I really wanted to go all out and see if I did. SUCCESS. The next day we found my phone, under the oven. WTF.

I swear a demon put it there.

happy halloween!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

move over.

I have been talking to this new guy through text for the past 4 hours. He's really nice and sweet. He lives a little far, but we could make it work. I feel like this guy wouldn't play me like Mr. Gorgeous. + he's funny, he said he would love to see me in skinny jeans and a slayer shirt. Ha ha.

The age thing is kind of a cock block though. Like I said I'm not against it! But it could get weird...

here we go again.

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it was enchanting to meet him.

So I went out with Mr.Gorgeous again. After he texted me apologizing, I just told him to let me be, I'm not new to seeing guys, and that I don't want my first time to be a game. He understood, and asked if we could go talk in person, for coffee and such. I said no. I didn't want to get my hopes up again! This guy seems to have a tendency to give love and snatch it back. I don't want that. Who does?

After I said no he called me, and I didn't answer, and he kept calling till I did. I kind of flipped on him, and he just said he will come pick me up. I gave it thought, I wanted to hear why he didn't call, and then just end it. Maybe be friends? Well he picked me up and we went to a Tim Hortons and chilled. It was awkward at first for obvious reasons, but he told me straight up that the reason why he ignored me was because he has feelings for me and isn't looking for a relationship. I told him that was retarded and stupid. If he felt something for me why not make it into something? Why waste those feelings?!

 I asked him if could drive me home, I was upset. He did, and halfway he pulled over and reached over and kissed me. Really, really hard. It hurt. But it felt so good. I started crying because I was really hurt that he was just going to leave me hanging. The conversation obviously showed me that I had feelings for him. I pushed him away and then he kept driving. When we got to my house he said he was sorry, kissed me, and I left. I haven't talked to him since yesterday. I cried a lot last night. It all sounds like a soap opera and I hate that it has to be that way.

 We will see what comes of this, because I really fell for him.

for everybody, everyone.

The album I have been jamming to for the past day. So many songs that deal with the situation I am going through right now. I recommend you listen to this fun pop album!

loss of words.

It is finally reading week, thank the lord. Because last minute all my teachers decided to rape me with homework, and now all the plans I've had have to be cancelled or rescheduled. Bullshit. I stayed up till 4 last night trying to finish one of my projects. I woke up today at 4. It sucks.

BUT, the reason why I am writing a blog post is because "Mr. Gorgeous" texted me today, (about an hour ago) and apologized to me! I haven't texted back, but he sent another one like 15 minutes ago saying once again he was sorry and that he understands if I don't want to talk to him.

WHAT DO I DO?! What should I say?! Sound off on comments, I legit don't know to say...

smirking prick.

Today has sucked. It has sucked HARDCORE. First of all I was hungover and had a bad sleep, I just didn't want to go to class. Last night drinks though were awesome! So I mustered up enough energy to go to class and wore my purple, I hope you did, and took my ass to school. The second suck of the day....CLASS. So boring, I had to listen to a guest speaker, and it was bullshit. After class was done I peaced to the cafeteria to grab something to eat.  I got my food was heading to the foyer when I saw him. I don't even want to call him by his name anymore, "Mr. Gorgeous" it should be more like, "Mr. Gorgeous on the outside but deep down I'm a real asshole and will ditch you after I get one thing from you." I like that better.

ANYWAYS I was going to sit down in the foyer and eat, when I saw him sitting there with this other guy, that I think is in his program, and they were sitting there playing with each others hands... Am I making this dramatic?! I don't think so, because as I was coming down the stairs he saw me and gave me a smug little smirk, then went back to diddling that guys hand. It was flirting if I have ever seen a form of flirting.... Let that slide. So there you have it! The prick fooled me, which I can't believe I didn't pick up on. I thought he was genuine and not one of those guys that the gay world tells you to watch out for!

I think I wouldn't have cared if he hadn't smirked at me, it was the kind of smirk that you do when you know you're doing something wrong, but love it. THE NERVE!

drool.

Leo Giamani is the hottest/cutest porn star out there. Hands down. 

reality bites.

So last night I had a dream that I was at this huge field, and there was a gigantic big screen playing some dumb ass movie. There was a ton of people there and I was with my friends, I guess I was looking around when I saw this guy I know, who is super cute, don't know him personally, cause he lives in Ohio, but I really wish I did. I just remember thinking the dream was so real and I got SUPER happy to see him and I got up to walk to this place and kind of gave him this look and he soon followed. After I did this Ke$ha's song, Take It Off, started playing and thats when I realized, IT WAS A DREAM.

 I woke up so mad. Partially because I know I will probably never meet this guy, but we both have so much in common, and he is totally my type. Reality sucks.

ps. Still haven't heard anything from Mr. Gorgeous. This love has lost pulse.

you know we're superstars, we are who we are!

Hot & dangerous

if your one of us then roll with us

cause we make the hipsters fall in love

when we got our hot pants on and up!

I officially love this song.

be mine!

So I haven't heard much from Mr. Gorgeous this week. Or even after we had sex. So I'm thinking I was a one time hook up. I'm not upset about it because it's so blatantly obvious that was where our little conversations were leading too, but I could've sworn it was different.

 I'm not emotionally attached to the guy whatsoever, I just like the idea of seeing someone, doesn't have to be him. This is common right? Anyways I just thought because we had talked SO much before we had sex, that it was leading somewhere. How do you get to know someone and enjoy their company, and not care if you don't call em. I feel like if he wanted to just have sex with me he would have jumped to it, and not done all sorts of stuff before we did it. Ya know what I'm saying?

OH WELL. Guess I shall just move on.

my story of gay bullying + suicide.

I have read a lot of articles about the recent suicides of teenagers all over the world. Too be honest, I am in quite a lot of shock to see that it's just properly being addressed by the public now. This has been going on for decades, and it takes over 5+ suicides to finally start realizing that our schools aren't safe? It makes me sick, mostly due to the fact that I can relate to every single one of those kids who ended their lives.

 I technically live in a town of 50,000 people up in Canada, but you could argue I live in a city of 500,000 people. The town I'm from has gay people, but mostly teenagers in high school. It is more common to see gay kids now then it was before. I graduated from elementary school in 2006, doesn't seem like a long time ago, but a lot of things have changed in this town since then. In 2006, and in an elementary school it was unheard of to know a gay kid. Nobody was out. Hell nobody was sure if they were gay! But so help you god if you were a boy and had the characteristics of a girl. A lisp, girl posture, your interests, all that stuff. I happened to have a high voice because I hadn't gone through puberty, but I was not the kind of boy who you could look at and say, "He's super gay" It was just my voice and the music I listened to that got me in shit.

 Throughout my time in elementary school I got called girly, or gay because I hung out with girls. I wasn't one of the boys because some of them never gave me a chance to get to know me. I could manage with the name calling, but by grade 7 I couldn't do it anymore. 3 boys made my year a living hell, I kept to myself, I wasn't loud or in your face, I was a shy boy who floated to different social crowds. Yet they managed to find me and tell me every week how much of a faggot I was, how they were going to kick my ass, and how I should just die. I couldn't understand why I was being treated this way, and I couldn't turn to anybody because I thought they would be suspicious that I might be gay. It didn't help that a lot of my friends also made rude gestures towards the thought of anything gay related.  It is hard to describe that time, but all I can say is that it just felt like EVERYBODY hated gay people, and if I came out I would be alone. I didn't want to be more alone then I already was.

 After these guys started calling me homophobic names, it caught on with everybody around, and the first thing to call me if I ever got in a fight with somebody, or upset them, was a faggot. It was the go to word for my bully's, it upset me beyond belief. If I was trying to reason with someone and they brought that word out, I would shut down and just let them win. It made me feel like I wasn't human, like I had no importance in this world and that I didn't matter. I was only 12 at the time, and it just brought my world crashing down, but I acted like it didn't bother me. Meanwhile I was going home and making a list of people I wanted dead, and at the bottom of the list I put my name. I wanted my bully's to just die, and if they weren't going to, I was just going to kill myself. That thought didn't seem ridiculous, or crazy, it felt almost too normal and comforting to know that suicide was an option, and one that I liked. I hated myself enough to just want to die, and that was it. The bullying further continued, they would follow me home and insult me the whole way, I had to avoid classrooms, hallways and parts of the playground to avoid being humiliated in front of my friends and classmates. Everyday was a routine, but nobody knew how I felt. I put on a great facade, still had a great time with friends, but never let my true feelings show. To them I was happy. But it was at this point I turned to cutting, I started using razors to prick myself, then I started sliding them against my wrists just waiting for my mind to give me a reason to stab myself. I couldn't just end my life, but I could continue cutting because it felt good. I was just waiting for the bully's to do one final thing before I went home and killed myself. But it never happened, before I knew, it was June and the bully's were graduating. All I can say was it was the biggest weight ever lifted off my shoulders, I felt safe. After this though my life didn't go back to the way it was before, I still got made fun of by my peers, but I was now in grade 8, and felt like I ruled. Words still hurt me, but I had to force myself to get thick skin, there was times I wanted to just go back to ending my life, but I looked at my role models, and I felt important, I meant something to someone.

 Now I am 18 and I am glad I didn't choose to end my life. I may still get made fun of, and because of my bullying in the past I still haven't fully came out of the closet to friends + family, but know what's an accomplishment? Me even thinking coming of of the closet! I used to tell myself I would never, and I would just fake straight for the rest of my life, but here I am already telling my 2 best friends, and not hiding that I follow gay blogs, or listen to gay artists, or support gay rights. It is obvious I am, and I put it out there. People know, and I don't care! It's nothing to some people, but for me it's everything. It means I am happy, and that I realized IT DOES GET BETTER. I feel for these victims when I hear that they couldn't turn to anybody, because you can't. Gay bullying is completely different from normal bullying, because being gay is still looked at as being unacceptable, and you feel that everybody hates fags; you can't turn to anyone. I never turned to teachers because they never cared when homophobic words were said. You don't tell your parents because you don't want them to see that their kid is weak. There are questions for everything when it comes to severe bullying, like why you didn't do this, or that. But there is no answer. You feel alone, and you do what you do.

It's about damn time that gay bullying is finally brought to the forefront and people now know it happens. It's awful though to think about the precious lives that had to be lost for the world to finally open their eyes. I am so happy about the It Gets Better campaign. I stand beside it and I hope through the help of celebrities videos, and awareness that kids will know, it does get better.

Take it from me, there is someone out there like you who you can talk to.

xo

losing my virginity. hate that saying.

I'm just going to say it. I HAD SEX. Ew. Embarrassing, but i've never done it before and I still can't believe it happened, and that I was dumb enough to just give it up like that, but virginity is so taboo and who was I kidding?!

 So I said last post Mr. Gorgeous asked me to hang out, and I decided to because I finished this essay paper early (which nearly killed me BTW) and I was sitting around doing jack. So I called him up and asked if he wanted to do anything, he said he was glad I called. Ya whatever. So I didn't know what to do, but thankfully he offered to hang out at his place cause his roommate was gone for the weekend. I got on the bus and travelled across the city to get to his place, it took awhile and didn't know if it was worth it but I took a chance. When I got there it was like 9:00pm and I didn't want to go on a bus ever again, I found his place and knocked on his door, he answered the door and told me to come in, his place was nice. Not like super modern nice, but super hipster nice. I'll cut out the small talk but we went to the living room and just chilled and talked, and talked. I really thought it was going to be awkward, but it kinda wasn't? I felt comfortable around him so it wasn't really weird. After awhile we tried to decide on watching a movie, but it turned into a debate. We couldn't settle on one until he brought out Milk. Best movie ever. But super gay. I laughed and said sure.

Blah, Blah, Blah, we watched the movie, loved it as usual, when suddenly halfway through he randomly asks me if I have ever had a boyfriend. I said no. Then he asked if I had ever been with any boy. I said no again. He said that was cute. Then we kind of both went in at the same time and kissed. It wasn't long, just a nice kiss. Then we stopped and just sat there watching the movie, thats when we kinda just looked at each other and started going at it again. This time it was more of a serious make out. We were lying on top of each other and this was going on for a good 10 minutes. I guess you can say we were dry humping as well, cause it was all over the place. I got super hard, but I guess he felt it against his leg because he started stroking it underneath my jeans. This led to me taking his shirt off and him doing the same to me, he eventually took off his pants, and man. He had an extraordinary body, nice muscles, hairy, a teenage dream! I couldn't believe I was about to have sex, after countless amounts of porn, and wanting it, I WAS GETTING IT. So he sat down on the couch and I took off his underwear and started giving him head. Sucking a dick is weird. I don't know if I liked it or not. It probably feels better for the person getting it though! Ha Ha. Sucking his dick went on for awhile and then he asked if I was a bottom. I don't know, I was going to say I am though because I always thought I would be. Then he asked if I wanted to do anal. So I said sure.

Thats a story for another time though...
Ha ha.