i'm thinking what the hell!

I went back to the gay club this weekend. It's becoming a habit, and I always get so plastered.

The now named "The Ex" was there as well. It was swell, and we were really harsh. He was at the front of the line to get in, and I walked right by him and gave him a smile. No harm, just doing my dues. Well I think he thought I was being bitchy so the whole night he was trying to dance as close to me with guys and make out with them in front of me. Jealous? Nah. I was just starting to get rattled when he kept FOLLOWING me. Like over a smile... really?

I do admit it got creepy, but it was so fun because he kept getting more mad when I didn't pay attention. He truly is sinking into a low. No longer is he mysterious and irresistible, but now desperate and lame. Did I mention he was with his ex by the way but they were both making out with other guys? What. Talk about open relationship. Well anyways, it was karaoke night so I got paid 50 bucks. Yes $50. Thats a little pricey for most people, but my friends really wanted me to do. This one guy did a funny rendition of "Peacock" by Katy Perry and it was great. Lots of Trannys did Lady GaGa songs, and of course Madonna. Obviously they rehearsed. Well I strolled up to the DJ and told him to put on "What The Hell" by Avril Lavigne and he laughed and said, "Go get em kid!"

Do you know what that songs about? Not giving a shit thats what! And I rocked that stage. I told the crowd, "This is dedicated to someone in the room right now, and too all my friends, because if I wasn't so drunk I wouldn't be up here making a fool of myself." Then I sang. Not going to lie. I can sing. And going crazy over that song was awesome. I felt like a rockstar. And I am sure the ex got the message. Now I see why the guys in drag love being on that stage so much.

It's SO much fun!

i just wish you never said it.

Hope you lot had a great christmas. I sure did. Lots of great gifts and moments with my family that I will treasure. As for Robb, not so much. I'm pretty sure he has been seeing his ex behind my back. I don't know what they are doing, but I have been really upset from it all. I do feel betrayed that he is just constantly lying and saying sometimes they just hangout. Maybe they do? But I am not a stupid person, and there is obviously something wrong.

 I want to just end this whole thing, but I can't seem to bring myself too. I feel so connected to this relationship due to the fact that it's my first (unexpected) relationship with a guy since I've come to terms with my sexuality. I don't want my first swing to be a miss. But obviously this is hurting me, especially cause Robb said "I love you" to me the other night and I couldn't believe it. I didn't know whether to believe it or not, and felt angry that I couldn't just be in a normal relationship that felt like it was stable and not full of lies. We started off good, but the last couple weeks... Things have definitely slipped away.

I'm staying at his house tomorrow, and big things could be happening. In fact I am just showing up, unannounced, I told him I was coming over one of these days but I didn't say when.

I wish he never said it.

hummingbird heartbeat.

 That guy I was talking to? FUCKING WEIRD. He kept texting me, and I was getting so friggin annoyed. He was talking like this:

"Hey cutie :) did you have a good sleep *hugz* I really want to cuddle with you :D I got a new video game we should play it sometime, Anyways got to go bye *kisses*"

........................UH. I hateee when people put things in *stars* to emphasize something. Biggest peeve ever, or use lots of smiley faces. Anyways, I stopped texting him cause I thought he might get the hint. WRONG. He texted me at 9:30am till 12am. The whole day at school he was like having a conversation to thin air! + He kept sending me pics of his ass, and saying creepy stuff. OVER IT.

The only highlight of this week was finishing homework, and finally talking to Mr. Gorgeous. He came and talked to me, checked if I was okay, I said yeah and then he wanted to know if I would hang with him that night. I kind of looked at him oddly and said "I don't knoww." I still felt hurt, and I felt like I was being treated like a yo-yo, but I obliged. We went straight to his house after school, and it was almost like nothing had happened a week before. It felt right. We just talked, and talked. Had a few laughs, then made out. He told me later as we were driving home that he want's to hangout tomorrow as well, I said for sure, so that's whats happening today! Or in an hour. I excited, I get butterflies when I hang with him because I definitely like him! 

 I think he's making dinner too? Score.

here we go again.

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future boy.

So I was in a big play 3 months ago. A big production. Let's just say the school I went to was like the school from the movie, Fame. I am a theatre kid. Love to sing, act, dance. When all the other boys were doing rugby in high school, I was trying to organize drama shows, and participating in shitty directed student plays. Pretty much the only guy who had friends that actually wasn't afraid to sing in front of my peers. Very judgemental peers. + I have been told I can definitely carry a tune. ANYWAYS! This play I was in recently had a lot of great actors and singers. I met a lot of great friends, especially 2 crazy people like me. One was a guy, so out, the other a girl, straight. Then there was me. No sexuality thrown out there.    He was very flirtatious, super nice, very handsome. He would always tell us his past experiences with his boyfriends. All around great guy.

 These 2 people I never came out to. Didn't want it to be a scandal in my program because 3 girls liked me. Ya. Me! But there was a moment when I slept over at his house (In his super pink room) and I thought we were about to kiss. I think it was because we were high, but I've always kind of liked him, even though he isn't my type. We just laugh a lot and I like his company. Anyways my friend was talking to us and he like looked at my oddly and stared into my eyes for a good 30 seconds and I didn't know what to do. In the end we remained friends.

Now that school is done though we haven't seen each other all summer. He moved, and he is always trying to hang out with me, but we can never get our plans to work. So I was at a party one day and all he kept texting me was that he wanted to talk to me, so the whole party pretty much I talked to him on msn. It was a very flirty conversation. He is like that though. Tonight out of no where texted me:

"11:11 n i wish for u ;)"

.......I didn't text back. I don't know what to say. He texted me later asking me if I was up, but I got back late to him and he never texted back. We shall see how this works out...