my story of gay bullying + suicide.

I have read a lot of articles about the recent suicides of teenagers all over the world. Too be honest, I am in quite a lot of shock to see that it's just properly being addressed by the public now. This has been going on for decades, and it takes over 5+ suicides to finally start realizing that our schools aren't safe? It makes me sick, mostly due to the fact that I can relate to every single one of those kids who ended their lives.

 I technically live in a town of 50,000 people up in Canada, but you could argue I live in a city of 500,000 people. The town I'm from has gay people, but mostly teenagers in high school. It is more common to see gay kids now then it was before. I graduated from elementary school in 2006, doesn't seem like a long time ago, but a lot of things have changed in this town since then. In 2006, and in an elementary school it was unheard of to know a gay kid. Nobody was out. Hell nobody was sure if they were gay! But so help you god if you were a boy and had the characteristics of a girl. A lisp, girl posture, your interests, all that stuff. I happened to have a high voice because I hadn't gone through puberty, but I was not the kind of boy who you could look at and say, "He's super gay" It was just my voice and the music I listened to that got me in shit.

 Throughout my time in elementary school I got called girly, or gay because I hung out with girls. I wasn't one of the boys because some of them never gave me a chance to get to know me. I could manage with the name calling, but by grade 7 I couldn't do it anymore. 3 boys made my year a living hell, I kept to myself, I wasn't loud or in your face, I was a shy boy who floated to different social crowds. Yet they managed to find me and tell me every week how much of a faggot I was, how they were going to kick my ass, and how I should just die. I couldn't understand why I was being treated this way, and I couldn't turn to anybody because I thought they would be suspicious that I might be gay. It didn't help that a lot of my friends also made rude gestures towards the thought of anything gay related.  It is hard to describe that time, but all I can say is that it just felt like EVERYBODY hated gay people, and if I came out I would be alone. I didn't want to be more alone then I already was.

 After these guys started calling me homophobic names, it caught on with everybody around, and the first thing to call me if I ever got in a fight with somebody, or upset them, was a faggot. It was the go to word for my bully's, it upset me beyond belief. If I was trying to reason with someone and they brought that word out, I would shut down and just let them win. It made me feel like I wasn't human, like I had no importance in this world and that I didn't matter. I was only 12 at the time, and it just brought my world crashing down, but I acted like it didn't bother me. Meanwhile I was going home and making a list of people I wanted dead, and at the bottom of the list I put my name. I wanted my bully's to just die, and if they weren't going to, I was just going to kill myself. That thought didn't seem ridiculous, or crazy, it felt almost too normal and comforting to know that suicide was an option, and one that I liked. I hated myself enough to just want to die, and that was it. The bullying further continued, they would follow me home and insult me the whole way, I had to avoid classrooms, hallways and parts of the playground to avoid being humiliated in front of my friends and classmates. Everyday was a routine, but nobody knew how I felt. I put on a great facade, still had a great time with friends, but never let my true feelings show. To them I was happy. But it was at this point I turned to cutting, I started using razors to prick myself, then I started sliding them against my wrists just waiting for my mind to give me a reason to stab myself. I couldn't just end my life, but I could continue cutting because it felt good. I was just waiting for the bully's to do one final thing before I went home and killed myself. But it never happened, before I knew, it was June and the bully's were graduating. All I can say was it was the biggest weight ever lifted off my shoulders, I felt safe. After this though my life didn't go back to the way it was before, I still got made fun of by my peers, but I was now in grade 8, and felt like I ruled. Words still hurt me, but I had to force myself to get thick skin, there was times I wanted to just go back to ending my life, but I looked at my role models, and I felt important, I meant something to someone.

 Now I am 18 and I am glad I didn't choose to end my life. I may still get made fun of, and because of my bullying in the past I still haven't fully came out of the closet to friends + family, but know what's an accomplishment? Me even thinking coming of of the closet! I used to tell myself I would never, and I would just fake straight for the rest of my life, but here I am already telling my 2 best friends, and not hiding that I follow gay blogs, or listen to gay artists, or support gay rights. It is obvious I am, and I put it out there. People know, and I don't care! It's nothing to some people, but for me it's everything. It means I am happy, and that I realized IT DOES GET BETTER. I feel for these victims when I hear that they couldn't turn to anybody, because you can't. Gay bullying is completely different from normal bullying, because being gay is still looked at as being unacceptable, and you feel that everybody hates fags; you can't turn to anyone. I never turned to teachers because they never cared when homophobic words were said. You don't tell your parents because you don't want them to see that their kid is weak. There are questions for everything when it comes to severe bullying, like why you didn't do this, or that. But there is no answer. You feel alone, and you do what you do.

It's about damn time that gay bullying is finally brought to the forefront and people now know it happens. It's awful though to think about the precious lives that had to be lost for the world to finally open their eyes. I am so happy about the It Gets Better campaign. I stand beside it and I hope through the help of celebrities videos, and awareness that kids will know, it does get better.

Take it from me, there is someone out there like you who you can talk to.

xo